10.12.2006

Today is my half birthday. Not really significant, except for one time 3 years ago when a bunch of my friends went crazy and threw me a random surprise party to celebrate. I don’t know what they were smoking. But I recall it with fondness. I still love boston cream pie and apple cider and fluffer nutter sandwiches…. Sadly, I cannot have any of these things for at least 7 months, unless I got REALLY creative and experimental and was a slave in my crummy kitchen. ;)

My friend bought a puppy for 10,000 rubles today. This is about 5 dollars. They were being sold in the…. metro station… (I love the ghetto-ness of this. After all, this is Belarus, and nothing surprises me these days…)

Tomorrow I am helping throw an international party. Those in attendance will represent America, Belarus, Germany, Turkey, South Korea, Canada, Britain, … and most of us only have one common language: broken Russian. I’ll let you know how it goes…. We will bond over our different ethnic cuisines and an excuse for a party, namely, Christmas. A pretty good excuse if you ask me.

wednesday night

Wednesday night I will be co-teaching a class on how to swing dance.
And who am I teaching?? A bunch of diplomats and.... marines.

I share this only because I think it will amuse Laura. :)

i'm seriously depressed

highlight
of my summer.... gone

cultural oddities...

they have ATM banks... on wheels.... they operate out of..... get this.. MINI VANS.  heellllooo robbery-in-the-making!!!  they just pull up on the sidewalk and start dealing out cash or exchanging currency.  and no, the vehicle is not armored or guarded...

new record

There was a new record set in Minsk yesterday. On November 6^th, it was the coldest it had been in 92 years on that day, with a low temperature of negative 14 degrees Celsius (or roughly 7 degrees Fahrenheit). I had the delight of walking in such record breaking weather. :) Icy snow blew furiously around me, and it was quite difficult to walk or see where I was going. I think winter was just saying "hello" to me. It wanted to welcome me to its homeland in the far north of eastern europe. I can now thank winter for such a… polite… gesture of… friendliness. . . . .

Now it is above zero and the streets are a wet slushy mess.

The pigeons take refuge underground, camping out in the corridors leading to the metro. Their eyes and beaks disappear underneath their feathers, while they stand motionless, napping.

It gets dark now around 4pm. By 5pm, you could see stars, that is, if it weren't always overcast. It is a strange adjustment. The early darkness makes me feel tired.

Today is a national holiday. November 7^th in the year 1917, the revolution began. What revolution?, you might wonder. My friends would tell you that the holiday commemorates the revolution that brought Lenin to power. Interesting, eh??… .. . . . . . I'm a stranger in a strange land.

metro wanderer

A while ago, I spotted a small, scruffy black dog wandering amid the crowds on the platform of the central metro station.  People around were looking at this dog in surprise and shock, for a metro platform is no place for a stray dog!  Some almost tripped over him in their hustle and bustle.  But this dog sniffed this strange underground air and looked around, as though deciding which direction he wanted to go and which metro car to jump into....

 

I just wondered: did the dog opt to take the escalators or the stairs as he came underground?

 

hmm...

 

 

deep philosophical question. ;)

my halloween

last night I celebrated halloween with friends. I wore a bright yellow t-shirt and an orange scarf. Autumn colors was the theme because people really can't afford costumes and such. I helped to host 15 people or so at my place. I made chili, honey/caramel popcorn balls, and chocolate chip cupcakes with icing - all from scratch.

I also made a jack o lantern.

It was the shizzle.

I also learned Belarussians really don't like pumpkin. But they have never had pumpkin pie American style: from the can... ;) How I would love to have a pumpkin pie ... oh my, what I wouldn't give!

mistakes

there is a song lyric I heard today that struck me: "I mistake happiness for blessing..."

How true this sounds. How often I am desiring my own personal happiness, rather than blessedness. How often I too make the mistake of equating happiness with blessing. Therefore, if I am not feeling happy, then I feel that God is not blessing me or perhaps abandoned me or forgotten about me... and for some, I can understand why this mentality would lead to a simple disbelief in God. But happiness is not blessing. And blessing does not always come in the package of happiness. Rather, blessing is for those poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, anyone hungry or thirsty for righteousness, the merciful, the pure in heart, the peacemakers, and those persecuted... so sometimes, blessing brings happiness. But it also sometimes brings trials, and yes, even suffering or sadness...

I just want to confess my own desire for happiness at the expense of what my heavenly Father wants to do in and through me... I confess I confuse these two, and too often become self centered, wanting whatever it is I want before concerning myself with what my faithful and loving King wants... and when I am happy, ecstatically happy, this is not an evil... but it also is not confirmation that God is blessing me. I cannot boast in possessing His blessing by virtue of my happiness... He gives and takes His blessing as He wills, and everyone's journey is not always smooth or easy... and the rough spots, when happiness flies away from our hearts for our time, may also be blessing. I cannot see with me eyes what my God sees. Help me Lord to see as you see, and to be humble in your blessing, and also humble in happiness.

enflamed sky

I was riding a very crowded bus home today at about 5:45pm and for the first time in several weeks saw a sky enflamed at sunset with the colors of pink and red and yellow and a little purple. It was beautiful. Recently the skies have remained overcast, so seeing the sun, and much less a colorful sunset, is now a rarity. But I really needed to see a breathtaking view like that. Stirring my soul to sing praises.

More cultural odditites. Round 2.
-People walk around at all times of the day with open bottles of beer. Since this is illegal in the states, I find this very strange and disconcerting at times. But it also has opened my eyes to how much of a problem there is here with alcoholism. I was with a guy friend and a girl friend last night at around 11pm. We were waiting in the chilly night air for a bus. A young couple walked up. Both were tipsy. The guy was still holding an open bottle and taking swigs. The guy at one point tried to chase down a bus driving away. This is pretty, uh, normal(?). But the worst part was they had their kid with them. Their little boy was dressed in warm clothes and looked normal, or at least, taken decent care of. But for a three or four year old to be walking around with his tipsy parents at 11pm in a big city is really disturbing to me.
-Sales clerks expect you to have correct change. And if you don't, you can expect a loud sigh or look of disgust... and here I am thinking, you're a salesclerk... your JOB is to COUNT CHANGE. really now. But this is the way here. You better have bills of all denominations if you want to keep peace with the check out ladies at the grocery. Also, some grocery/food/candy stores require you to order from one counter (usually by pointing at the product you want on display), then go pay at a second counter across the room (by memorizing the amount they tell you verbally that you owe and/or the weight of your purchase...in Russian of course), and then you must return to the first counter - or sometimes go to a third counter - to pick up your purchase, with your receipt in hand. This is a terribly inefficient system. The only benefit I can see is 1. it provides another job for the lady handling the cash and 2. it prevents petty thievery. Needless to say, I avoid such stores like the plague.
-Oh yea, and I'm still being stared at... sometimes not only for looking like a foreigner, and not just for talking in English a lot, but also for being a clumsy foreigner... .... ...... I fell in the metro yesterday, and last week my hood to my coat got caught in the closed metro doors, immobilizing me from movement until the metro reached the next stop and the doors opened again.... living abroad is a humbling experience.

on another note... I've met the ambassador. And I went to an embassy worker's house. The apartment was like walking into America, and into the pottery barn catalog. The nicest furnitures, appliances, decorations, and of course, American food. Oh my. What an interesting life. Nothing like my new digs, which I hope to move into November 1st. In my new place, the washing machine takes up residence next to the stove, the laundry hangs in the corridor leading to the kitchen or on a chilly balcony, a freezer sits in the living room next to a dusty and old piano - a beast that looks fearsome to even try and play - and dark brown and green rugs are located ... on the walls... :)

Cultural oddities and observations, round 1

-Pineapple in Europe is not nearly as yellow in color as in the States.
-There is a fruit called the “bullet” for its shape. It is a type of melon. Sort of like honeydew or cantaloupe, except it’s white. (It is also very tasty.)
-Elevators are small. But people still cram into them.
-Falling on people and touching them where you don’t intend to is a daily occurrence in the metro. Also, the metro is never “full.” People just push and cram to fit inside, so be prepared to… make way and suffocate. (I actually don’t know if this is a cultural oddity, since I’ve never lived in a city where I had to use a subway daily. But it’s still an oddity for me…)
-It’s not rude to stare at people. And if you make eye contact with the person staring at you, don’t expect them to look away.
-You buy eggs in tens and not dozens.
-Sour cream is completely different here, but people put it on EVERYTHING.
-People also love this drink called kefir… which is basically like sour milk. (are we sensing a trend here? They like their milk products.)
-Girls have a very interesting sense of style. Sometimes, I am duly impressed. Othertimes, I am duly shocked. (You actually wear white cowboy boots with tight jeans rolled up above the knee?? Whaaa??)

a typical day...

A typical day…

It was Tuesday. I had class at 9:45am and was supposed to meet my teacher before class at 9am for some “remedial” work…. (the result of joining a class at the end of August that began in early July…) However, upon arriving at the university, the librarian, who speaks no English, informs us in Russian and with body language that my teacher is sick. After a few minutes we understand that class will be cancelled for both Tuesday and Wednesday. So it is 9:20am or thereabouts and I just spent at least 45 minutes going from home to school and am faced with spending another 45 minutes on the return trip… only to turn around an hour and a half later to go to a friends house for a meeting. WELL… this is not the most desirable option. So after going with my fellow classmates, an American, a Frenchman, and a Japanese fella, to a bakery for coffee, I decide to call my friends I am meeting at 1pm to see about coming over early. Everything was OK with them, so I left about 9:45am to head to their place, about 20-30 minutes away. I get to their apartment building at about 10:05am. My friends are expecting me around that time or closer to 10:15am. I walk into the entryway to get an elevator to the 8th floor. There are two elevators. The first one that is available I walk in, push 8, and the doors close.

Then something funny happens. (Albeit perhaps not altogether atypical…)

The lights go off and the elevator makes this oh-so-comforting sound of the power turning off. (ZZHhhrrrrrmmmmm….) OH GREAT. So I am stuck on the first floor in a dark, closed elevator by myself. (Good thing I’m not claustrophobic.) I remember, luckily, how I was in an elevator with my roommate earlier and we were stuck temporarily – although the lights were on – and I remembered the buttons the lady told us to push to get the doors to open. So I think, I’ll push this “stop” button and then I’ll push “1” and maybe the doors will open like last time. UH… NO. Not so much. So then I push every button I can. I try combinations of buttons. Finally I push the call button and some Russian speaking woman comes over the intercom in the elevator…. Of course…. She is speaking in Russian… very quickly… and I can’t understand a single thing she is saying. (My friends speculated later she was telling me to stop playing around in the elevators… haha.) So I’m telling her in my elementary Russian, “Please…. I speak English…. I only know a little Russian… Do you speak English?” Well…. more Russian. I’m not getting any closer to escaping. I would say at least 5 minutes go by. So I try to force the elevator doors open from the inside. I get them about 5 centimeters cracked and can see the light from the entryway and get a whiff of the air on the outside. (Believe me, the air outside the elevator was so much nicer than the air inside the elevator.) So I start pounding on the elevator doors and talking through the crack… I say in Russian…. “Hello… hello…. Please… hello!!” I can think of nothing else to say. I don’t know how to say “help” or “elevator” or “I’M STUCK”… So at this point… I’m feeling very frustrated. Another 5 minutes go by. Occasionally the Russian woman comes over the intercom. She seems to be saying the same thing to me, but all I can say is, “I don’t understand!!” over and over and over again…. I push buttons again. I start to sing. I pound the doors some more. I look at my (indiglo) watch. 15 minutes have gone by. It’s 10:20 at least. I wonder when my friends will wonder where I am… when they will come looking for me… or I wonder if I will have to wait until 1pm when the meeting is to start to hear my friends come and yell from the confines of this elevator for their help, knowing they will understand my English. It is then, as I ponder my fate for the next 3 hours, that the lights MIRACULOUSLY come on and the doors open. I shoot out as fast as I can, and as I pass the next elevator, I see a Russian fella with a very quizzical look staring at me. He must have come to get an elevator, and mine opened along with the other one. PHEW.

It is when I emerge that I notice…. A piece of paper… hanging over the elevator…. In Russian…. Three words…. I only know the first two that mean: “Does not work.”

YOU KNOW…. It would have been so helpful if this sign were not some handwritten note over the elevator where only tall people might perchance glance to read it… but so this is Belarus and what can I say? It was bound to happen at some point. Everyone I am sure has had the fun of being stuck in the elevator at some point or the other. Some are just not so “fortunate” as me to be stuck 1. Alone, 2. In the dark, 3. Without a cell phone, and 4. With no ability to communicate in the native language.

Just another saga…. A day in the life for a stupid American, eh?? ;) Though at the time, it was certainly an upsetting event, it was later a cause for much laughing and joviality as I re-enacted my broken Russian being spoken through the crack of the elevator doors, in search of understanding listeners and salvation...

post from eastern europe...

I have arrived! After a very long 24-hour period of travel, at 4 airports and on 3 flights, I made my way to Minsk. The city greeted me with green grass and blue skies filled with puffy white clouds. I was told this was the prettiest day all week. I was grateful for the warm welcome. My friends picked me up from the airport. Though exhausted, I was not yet sleepy. My adrenaline was still flowing and kept me alert for a long while. As I sat in this van, driving to the city center (tsentr gorada), talking with friends that I had not seen in a long time, watching the scenery fly by… there was still unbelief that I had arrived! The surreality of the moment has not left me, in a way. My first stop was to meet my roommate, Yulia, and have her take me to our temporary living. The apartment we are in is a 4 room flat that is furnished by an American and Australian couple in Minsk. We can stay here a little while, but it will not be our permanent arrangement. In fact, this place is much nicer than my future living. I will not have so many American appliances and furniture. For now, it is a nice way to transition to Belarussian living. The flat is on the sixth floor of an apartment building, and I am surrounded by many other buildings. I feel as though I am in a suburb of the city, since I cannot see the city’s downtown from here. Did I also mention that the building is purple?
My first night here, I went to the grocery store, their equivalent of a supermarket even though it is still small by American standards. I followed around as my roommate picked out some things to eat. I was not in a position to really know how to make decisions, so I was a lemming for the evening. Back at the flat, there were four of us and we fixed a meal that was pretty American if you asked me – a veggie stir fry. Dinner was followed by chai, of course, and some tasty cookies. Later I went with Yulia to her parents’ house, met her mom, and helped her get stuff to bring back to our place. It was late, after 11:30pm, when we finally got off the bus and came home.
The first morning here, I woke up and thought, where am I? I’m not in KY…. I’m not in AL… I’m not on a plane…. And then I remembered. Oh yea…. I’m in Belarus! …. There was joy at the thought. “The joy of the Lord is your strength.” –Neh. 8:10.
Wednesday I had to go to the university to get things organized. I met Andrei there. Yulia showed me how to navigate the bus system and the metro. Luckily, I remembered enough from last fall to know how to get to my university. Luckily I can also read signs in Russian, even if I don’t know what they mean. It took about 30 minutes to arrive at my university from this flat – 3 stops on a bus, 6 stops on the metro, switch lines, then 1 more stop on the metro. Lastly I only had to walk 2 blocks. The afternoon was really productive. At 1pm, we met up with Krista, another American girl studying at my same university. I will be in her language class, so that is a huge relief to have another American girl who can show me the ropes. Her and Andrei helped me immensely as I filled out paperwork and talked with the university officials. Andrei and I had to get on the metro and deposit my tuition in a bank. Without him, I don’t think I would have ever found this bank. Even Andrei had trouble figuring out where to go. Then we go back to the university. Then I had to get pictures taken. So we go across the street and have my picture taken. Then I get my student ID filled out and ready for approval. Then I have to request admission from the dean… I do so by writing a form letter in Russian. The woman helping me complimented me on my (Russian) handwriting…. (HAHAHA…. Are you laughing Karen???)
After this we are escorted to a different building where I have to hand in my passport and paperwork to get a multiple entry visa – hooray! In the meantime, I have a piece of paper that acts as my registration with the university while my new visa is in process and I am without a passport. It was a very productive day. Afterwards, I was famished with hunger. Andrei and I met up with Natasha at a Slavic restaurant called Lido that I had been to before. We enjoyed lunch and then they helped me buy shampoo and food at the rinock (market). It was getting late but I was not looking forward to going back to my flat – I was enjoying the company so much! - so Natasha invited me over for chai. I saw her place, and we talked for at least an hour… finally my eyes were getting tired and my body was struggling to stay awake… so I left. It was a good time to leave, at sundown, but not yet dark. I found my way on the metro and the bus back to my flat… phew! Long day!
Thursday rolled around. I was going to be by myself the whole day. I had to go to the university to pay more money for my visa and to pick up my student ID. First I had to exchange money. I went to the same place I went with Yulia the first day, but it was 9:40am… and they did not open until 10:30am. I was at a loss of what to do. I walked around the area, and found another bank… it also was not open until 10:30am. Then I walked outside for a bit. But it was raining and I was just getting wet. So I took refuge again inside the market place where the currency exchange was. I decided to wait. I knew if I got on the metro, went to my university, I would have a good chance of finding another place to exchange money nearby…. But I was too nervous…. Afraid that I would not be able to find a place. 10:30am finally rolled around… and I exchanged my money. Back to the metro…
I arrived at the university and had no problems. I even picked up my ID and started to learn my way around the building. I finished up everything by 12:30, and went home. I had the afternoon to myself, so I had some lunch, watched a movie, and did some reading. I attempted again to figure out the internet and unfortunately the computer here and my laptop are unable to connect to the internet. This is frustrating because there are many emails I need to look at and respond to. So instead I type this on my laptop and will try to send it from someone else’s computer. These are the early struggles of living here, but if internet connection is my only trouble here, than I have it good when you think about it… but I know my struggles are just about to begin. I was reminded that I need to enjoy this down time by myself, not having things to run around and do. I spent some time reading the beginning of Isaiah and journaling. I talked for an hour on the phone to my friends Andrei and Lyosha and made plans for Friday and Sunday. Then I watched Pride & Prejudice with Yulia because she loves that movie, as do I, and I had brought it with me. I got to explain some of the jokes to her… but I was immensely impressed that she could follow that fast talking British accent through the whole thing and only had to ask me about maybe 5 things.
Saturday I have no plans again, but perhaps Yulia and I will start looking for a flat together. This morning I made another big hurdle: I did the grocery shopping by myself. I opted to walk home rather than take the bus from the metro station. Then I grabbed a canvas grocery bag and my iPod and trekked the block and a half to the market. I slowly went up and down each aisle, looking at the selection. I picked up some basics: pasta, soup mixes (looks very similar to ramen), frozen veggies, some white French loaf type bread, caramel tea, cookies for the tea, yogurt made in Russia, fruit juices made in Latvia, Lays sour cream and onion potato chips, and a bottled water. I think I did pretty good considering I can’t read most of the labels yet… but I managed thanks to the occasional English and the pictures on the labels.
It is times like these that I can’t imagine what it would be like to be illiterate. It would be a huge disability. It is hard enough for me as it is. But I am learning new phrases, some because I make mistakes. I learned that Vlashna means: it is humid. But Vashna means: it is important. I also learned that Strashna means: scary. But leave out the h sound and say Strasna and it means: passionate. When I was at the university I learned that Posh-lee means: let’s go. As I read signs and consult my phrase book I pick up a few more things. I will be excited for the day that I start to dream and write in Russian. That will be a huge breakthrough for me. I am already talking in jilted English over here. I don’t know if it’s because I am trying to talk as the Belarussians talk in English so they will understand me, or if they are influencing my own way of talking… maybe it’s both. But I am dropping the articles as I talk and it’s kind of funny. (There are no articles in Russian.) I wish someone could just tape record me when I’m not paying attention…. I think even after 3 days my English would sound a lot different. Typing, however, I think is separate from speaking. For now, I feel like my writing is pretty normal. Maybe over time this blog will sound more and more like a foreigner talking… 
Now you have a nice picture of my first few days. Don’t worry: I won’t drone on about the mundanities (did I just make up a word?) of life here in every post. But now you have a picture of how things are. I was told before I came… if I accomplish 1 thing a day, I have had a good day! Things take longer to do over here, partly because of getting around by public transportation, partly because I’m a foreigner, and partly because it’s just cultural. So, I feel good to have gone to the grocery today, even if that is all. I feel REALLY good to have done almost all of my university preparations already. I will start classes on Monday. Here is one problem: the class I am joining started in July. I will be 1-2 months behind. YIKES. I may be lost, but I will work hard. This is just how things are. I was told I could come at any time, and so I thought classes would begin in September. Well… there is a new beginner class in September, but it will only last for 4-6 weeks… and then I would have no class to attend. So it is better to go ahead and join this beginner’s class now… and hope and pray to do well. The other hurdle: the teacher speaks very little English… this will be… very interesting. I know I have other classmates from Japan, Nigeria and Austria, because I met them in the offices over the past few days. We’ll see…
To be continued…

time keeps on slipping...

time feels like it just keeps on slipping away... I am on a bit of a countdown. in almost exactly 1 week, I will be beginning a new journey... heading overseas, studying Russian, meeting new people, living in a new culture... Before embarking on a trip, there is this element of surreality. Unable to grasp the pending actuality of being in a new place and seeing new things... I felt this while sitting on a plane headed to Costa Rica back in 2000. It was one of my first international travel experiences. Though I was on the plane, virtually en route, I couldn't grasp at that moment what standing on Costa Rican soil would be like. Likewise, I know about the country I am going to. I have been there before. I have walked along the downtown streets, rode on the metro, toured universities, taken pictures... but to live there for 1, 2 years?? I cannot grasp this pending reality. There is nervousness and there is excitement. There is joy and apprehension. But no matter what, there is always one constant factor: the Lord is with me wherever I go.

one of those songs that seemed like it was written for me, right now.

January 1, I’ve got a lot of things on my mind
I’m looking at my body through a new spy satellite
Try to lift a finger, but I don’t think I can make the call
So tell me if I move, ‘cause I don’t feel anything at all

So carry me
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

I woke up from a dream about an empty funeral
But it was better than the party full of people I didn’t really know
They’ve got hearts to break and burn
Dirty hands to feel the earth
There’s something in my veins
But I can’t seem to make it work…won’t work

So carry me
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

Can you find a beat inside of me?
Any pulse?
Getting worse?
Any pulse?
Getting worse?
Inside of me, can you find a beat?

So carry me
I’m just a dead man
Lying on the carpet
Can’t find a heartbeat
Make me breathe
I want to be a new man
Tired of the old one
Out with the old plan

- Jars Of Clay - Dead Man (Carry Me)
From the album Good Monsters

true geekhood.

Come on everyone.... take the GEEK test!
My results:
27.21893% - Total Geek
+ Geekish Tendencies................................≥09%
++ Geek.............................................≥15%
+++ Total Geek......................................≥25%
++++ Major Geek.....................................≥35%
+++++ Super Geek....................................≥45%
++++++ Extreme Geek.................................≥55%
+++++++ Geek God....................................≥65%
+++++++! Dysfunctional Geek.........................≥75%

I'm sure at least one or two of my friends could get over 65%... ;) Take the test and put your score in the comments.

in honor of hawaiian shirt day at the office....

Bob Slydell: You see, what we're trying to do is get a feeling for how people spend their time at work so if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh - after that I sorta space out for an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk, but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch too, I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bob Slydell: I'd like to move us right to Peter Gibbons. We had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.
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Ironies abound.

I'm definitely watching Office Space sometime in the near future...

the deed is done.

I've handed in my 2 weeks notice at my employer. I will be leaving shortly... depending on their needs, my last day will be either July 28th or August 2nd.

Three cheers for the end of a vocationally long 14 months, the beginning of a new phase, and freedom (in many of its forms).

"It is for freedom that Christ has set you free..." - Galatians 5:1

God is good! Support raising continues... a struggle though it may be.

Until next time, as they say in Russian, "Paka!"

2447

I was the 2447 person to finish the Bluegrass 10K. I tied with a 10 year old girl. That makes you feel good, doesn't it? ::cough, cough::

I will say this: I achieved my goal! I was not aiming for speed or running against the clock... I was aiming for endurance and running against myself. It was kind of a solitary affair, which is ironic, considering I was surrounded by roughly 3,200 other people. But I drove myself to the race, leaving a quiet, sleepy house behind. I arrived and walked to the starting line by myself. I don't think I said a single word to anyone for at least 2 hours. The whole race, I was by myself. I saw 1 person I knew: my friend Rachel was calling out times at the 2nd mile marker. I caught her eye and waved, but ran on. I didn't stop to walk once. I kept a very slow pace for running. I was overly cautious in the first mile and it took me over 14 minutes. My average pace was around 12.5 minutes overall. I think miles 3 and 4 were the worst: a lot of uphill running, and for the first time, I experienced leg muscle fatigue. Usually it's just the breathing that takes me out... this time, breathing was ok, but the muscles were starting to get to me. They kindly kept fairly silent until the second day after the race, and then they started screaming at me. I am incredibly glad that I did it, and hope I'll be able to participate in a slightly shorter Midsummer Night's Run.

Then it was sort of anticlimactic. You finish, surrounded by people, but you crossed the finish line on your own. No friends or fellow running friends to greet or high five. So I got a banana, an orange, some water, and sat on a grassy knoll outside the courthouse downtown, and stretched. After 15 minutes, I got up, got in my car, and drove home. That was that.

However, props to my roommate Jessica who made a sign cheering me on and drove downtown to show it off... only problem: neither of us saw the other. I didn't find out until I got home, but she's an awesome friend to be so thoughtful and such an encouragement!

weird associations.

As I was driving to and from the wedding in MI last weekend, I passed this ginormous church with an even more ginormous statue out front:



I was not a particular fan of this statue. I'm still trying to figure out why - maybe it's my latent frustration and/or weakness in not being able to understand the motive or purpose for this, or judging the stewardship of their resources as poor or unwise. And maybe I need to get over that. Or maybe it's just because it reminded me of this statue:



Somehow, imagining Christ as a buried giant in mid scream is a bit disconcerting... and yet I believe there are more similarities here than we realize, if we just think of Christ at a different point in his life... but obviously the former statue is much more appealing to the masses, since after all, Christianity and religion is meant to comfort and not confront...

photos soon

Wedding was superb: beautiful and fun. Photos to follow...

You know what else was superb?? Nick Garklavs giving me 4 cds of mixed retro/80s music. My drive home from MI had spectacular accompaniment... Thanks, bearded mountain man! ;) or lumber jack man... or colonial man.... or... :) This 80s dance party is going to HAPPEN in a happenin' way.

"That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Corinthians 12:10

working 2 jobs.

I am learning what it’s like to work two jobs. In a nutshell, it’s madness.

In the midst of the insanity, I find that I have to spend time in completely non-work-related outlets. However, the irony is of course that these things require additional time to an already bursting stressful schedule. Last night, I regained some sanity by having a coffee break with Lauren to discuss the end of Appointment in Samarra and running for 5 miles. This took up about 3 hours of my evening, so naturally, it was past midnight before I went to sleep. But of course it was worth it. Coffee breaks with Lauren are the highlight of my weeknights. Running is a recent addition to my life. I must say, I am quite proud of myself for completing a 5 mile run. Previous to this, the most I ran at a time was 2 miles, and I was huffing it just to do it. But last night I just pushed on through, in what I hope was a great gear up for the Bluegrass 10K race that I will participate in at 8am on the 4th of July. :)

I am grateful that I am leaving on vacation in about half an hour. I will be trekking up to Michigan to see many treasured friends and join in the celebration of the wedding of MJ and LT. I will really enjoy my time there, but I also know that this uber-important second job will be weighing on me… and the reality sets in: I will have to work on my vacation. *Sigh.*

I am learning some other things too. I am learning that a big component of exercise is psychological – mastery of mind over body. I am learning that not all light beers are completely terrible. I am learning that poison ivy on days 3 and 4 is a lot worse than on days 1 and 2. I am learning that schedules are nice guidelines, but I can’t hold myself to it and more often than not, it gets tossed out the window. I am learning that I am a screw up and weak… that I am no good, but that God is good, and I am learning that that will be enough. I’m also learning not to trust Blogger with my blog posts, and will revert to typing them in Word beforehand… I am also learning that Firefox and Camino are way superior to IE.

the week's update.

My letter of invitation to study at the Minsk Linguistics University was mailed on June 2nd. I am now waiting for its - hopefully - safe arrival into my mailbox in the next 1-2 weeks. This is my CRUNCH TIME for support raising. As you see, I'm about halfway on my one time support, and only a fifth of the way with pledges. Hence, the phone calls... thus, I appreciate any prayer support offered up for me this week. I'm feeling a bit chaotic. Usually you'd describe your schedule or home as "chaotic," but no, the chaos is me. I meant what I typed. :)

Happy birthday to my friend Les. I didn't go to sleep until 2:30am thanks to a birthday related "prank" of sorts for the occasion. Heh... Ahh, the days of pranking back in college... many stories I could share, so inquire within if interested. :)

I am going to have an 80s dance party soon. I was more of a kid of the 90s then the 80s... I mean, how many 8 year olds really listen to the radio and buy music?? But either way... the early 90s sort of meld with a lot of the 80s stuff. SO... SURVEY TIME!! What are some of your favorite songs from the 80s and early 90s? The only artists I can recall listening to are MC Hammer, Paula Abdul, Tiffany, Vanilla Ice, NKOTB, Ace of Base, Weird Al, and a bunch of country that I got into thanks to a few of my Alabama relatives.... and most of those are probably 90s and not 80s. So I'm looking for your ideas.

Reason #29 why it's better to be married:
You are less likely to oversleep...

weekend recap

I shouldn't be writing this. I have two projects to work on at my day job, and well, they are both getting so frickin' tedious that I needed to take a candy bar and blogger break. :) My new boss also started work today, which has made work a bit more busy than usual. He's from Venezuela, speaks 5 languages (Spanish, Italian, German, French, English), and has lived in places like Munich, Milan, Vienna, NYC, Miami... and now he's moving to northern Kentucky... I hope he likes it.

My weekend was fantastic. I help throw a block party Friday night for a bunch of kiddos and neighbors. We had dogs, hotdogs, and water balloons among other fun stuff. Leo had a fantastic time, and made a few friends, like with this guy named Joseph.




Saturday, big day!, I turned 24. Birthdays are just days. But this was one great day. I started it off by going for a jog with my friend Katie. She's a great friend and we had a great time.



She treated me to breakfast at Great Harvest. Simple, but so good. The owners of the one we went to are Christians, and they are super generous. They freely give you massive slices of bread - your choice of maybe 5 or 6 kinds - that you can slather up with honey or butter. MMMM. Then you get a cup of jo, and you're ready to go. Their house blend is excellent, for all you locals. After breakfast, I met up with mi madre, who kindly took me shopping to buy me clothes. I had a couple great finds - like a cheap kelly green sleeveless boatneck shirt and a calf length denim skirt. Super cute. We met up with mi padre to have lunch at Abuelos, the newest mexican place in town. Their salsa is HOT, their food is a lot of bang for your buck, and they're the only place in town that features Dos Equis beer on tap, which I naturally indulged in. I had my favorite cake made by my mom, Boston Cream Pie. It's heavenly, my friends.


That night, I met up with a lot of great friends for dinner outside at Cheapside downtown, swing dancing on Main Street, and beer and floats back at my place for the rest of the evening.





Among these friends were the SUPER Ferrell Bros. They drove from Cincy just for the occasion of my birthday. I have some pretty swell friends, don't ya think?

It doesn't get much better than this, really. Good food, fun, fellowship, friends, and of course, dancing.

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn speaks

Today it is 06.06.06.

I just finished reading Warning to the West, a series of lectures that Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn gave in the U.S. and Britain after his exile from the Soviet Union. He speaks of Communism, the suffering of Russian and Eastern European peoples, and the danger that the West faces in growing weak and complacent in the face of the rising nuclear power of Russia, a power that seeks supremacy over the West. (Though the Soviet Union has dissolved, I would say its values and ideologies are still very much alive in Eastern Europe.) Here are some interesting quotes:

"The primary, the eternal concept is humanity, and Communism is anti-humanity. Whoever says "anti-Communism" is saying, in effect, anti-anti-humanity. A poor construction. So we should say: That which is against Communism is for humanity. Not to accept, but to reject this Communist ideology is simply to be a human being. Such a rejection is more than a political act. It is a protest of our souls against those who would have us forget the concepts of good and evil." (July 9, 1975)

"The true antipode of peace is violence. And those who want peace in the world should remove not only war from the world but also violence. If there is no open war but there is still violence, that is not peace." (July 9, 1975)

"Alas, such is human nature that we never feel the sufferings of others, and they never darken our temporary well-being, until they become our own." (July 15, 1975)

"...But I return to that terrible statement of Bertrand Russell's: "Better Red than dead." Why did he not say it would be better to be brown than dead? There is no difference. All my life and the life of my generation, the life of those who share my views, we all have had one viewpoint: Better to be dead than a scoundrel. In this horrible expression of Bertrand Russell's there is an absence of moral criteria. Looked at from a short distance, these words allow one to maneuver and to continue to enjoy life. But from a long-term point of view it will undoubtedly destroy those people who think like that." (March 1, 1976)

"Just as mankind once became aware of the intolerable and mistaken deviation of the late Middle Ages and recoiled in horror from it, so too must we take account of the disastrous deviation of the late Enlightenment. We have become hopelessly enmeshed in our slavish worship of all that is pleasant, all that is comfortable, all that is material - we worship things, we worship products. Will we ever succeed in shaking off this burden, in giving free rein to the spirit that was breathed into us at birth, that spirit which distinguishes us from the animal world?" (March 24, 1976)

myspace

My dog has gone online.

(This is my roommate's doing... I don't like myspace one bit, but I have to admit that this is "frickin' hilarious"!)

midnight waffle house runs

3 day weekends are sublime.

I spent gobs of time outdoors. Gardening, grilling out, reading, jogging, pulling pranks. I also made a midnight run to the waffle house. A trip down memory lane, in a way... except I wasn't accompanied by friends from high school, but friends from church. I was up until 2am or later, and it was fantastic. Then last night, I went on a run at 11pm. I don't know what I was thinking; it was late and stinking hot. The humid air just clinging to your skin and crawling into your lungs. But I ran on, with Leo keeping pace beside me, into the night and deeper into the humidity.

I finished reading Master and Margarita by Bulgakov. It won't make my top ten by a long shot, but I still was glad to read it. I think the title is deceiving; it would more aptly be titled Woland or Satan. You were practically a third into the novel before learning who the Master and who Margarita were... the novel seemed absolutely devoid of any protagonist. This may have been an intentual stylistic thing on the author's part, or maybe I'm just dense. Few if any of the characters were well developed, and even fewer were well liked. Again, perhaps this was the point. What was clear was that evil powers wreak havoc. Just call the novel Havoc. There, a much better title; one that fits the Soviet regime as well, eh?

what are you willing to give up?

How far will you go for truth?

I got this newsletter the other day from the Jews for Jesus organization. I am encouraged by their work and ministry. In this newsletter, there was an article detailing a conversation where an Orthodox Jewish man asked this Messianic Jew what Christianity would do for him? What would Christianity get him? But the Messianic Jew reflected later that this question arises out of the cost/benefit, consumer perspective in modern (or post-modern if you will) America. He said that the real question that the Orthodox Jewish man needed to ask himself was, what would I be willing to give up for the truth?

I agreed with this article, except that I think the consumer approach to life is not a mentality unique to America or only the present day. I think it's existed from day 1.

Christianity dares to ask you to give up a lot, your very life even... and I could talk about how it's like trading in listerine for pinot grigio, or smog for clean air, or britney spears for bach... but even those analogies would still be considering Christianity in terms of "what does it get for me?" - a better this or that. And while this is true, ultimately I think Christianity does give you "things" (and by things, I mean immaterial ones rather than material) that are better, that's not the point. Think about this: why do you make friends? Why do you want to get married? Why do you love anyone? Is it because... they make your life better? Is that it?... Should we in a similar manner love God just because He might make our lives "better" - a very subjective reason at that?... I would think again.

On another note, I have been accepted unofficially to study Russian at the Minsk Linguistics University next year. It will be official when I receive an invitation to study there in the mail from their dean/chancellor.

foot weight loss?

yea, TOTALLY random. But I'm wearing my favorite pair of sandals - they're leather and from Athens, Greece (maybe I'll try to get a photo...) - and all of a sudden, the back of the sandal kept sliding off my foot... it was as though my foot was smaller than it had been before... My first thought was, can you actually lose weight in your feet?!? (I now realize, it is more likely due to just stretching of the leather and usage, but...)

After having some good convos (I've somehow taken to abbreviating "conversation(s)" to "convo(s)" and I am not sure how that came about...) with my roommate, Jessica, I have decided that sometime in the near future (read: 5 yrs, 10 max) I'd like to do the A.T. - a thru-hike if possible - and do a triathlon - even if only the sprint distance.

Well, I can dream, right?

book talks

NY times puts in their $.02: The Best Work of American Fiction in the past 25 years.

Lots of lists and book talks recently.

I've read Beloved. Yes, I think it's good, but I don't know if it would be #1 for me. However, oddly, I feel out of touch with recent American literature. After 4 years studying Ancient Greek thought, Roman thought, and European philosophy of the past few centuries, and then my obsession with Russian writings into the next 2 years, I don't feel I have a good grasp of recent authors and literature. Anyone have their pick from the last 25 years?

Outlook

When Freya was in town last Thursday, I took her to my favorite coffee spot. While standing around smelling the aromas of whole bean coffee and coveting the chocolate covered espresso beans in a dispenser nearby, I picked up a pamphlet on the counter. The cover read "Why do you believe in god?" I think I've got a pretty good answer to the question, but, I read on. Scanning over this piece of "literature" I saw quotes by Nietzsche and Epicurus. (Oh yes, philosophers like Nietzsche really make my knees a-tremble...) As I read, I was actually quite disappointed. It sounded like an angry atheist ranting because as an atheist they felt like society or "Christianity" had done them some wrong in life. It was actually sad and depressing. The logic and reasoning was completely emotionally charged. I couldn't detect much rationality at all. Just a lot of anger. Lots. Now, I have read/heard reasoned rational defenses against Christianity, as well as reasoned rational defenses for agnosticism or atheism, so I know it's possible. It just astounded me that this was the best piece of "literature" that an organization touting "free thinking" could produce. Furthermore, it irks me that the assumption was made that all Christians or even theists or deists simply believe in God out of peer pressure, coercion, or propaganda; and/or that Christians suspend their logic and reason when approaching Christianity.

I would say that Christianity is logical. And yet wholly mysterious and paradoxical too. I don't think there is anything wrong with saying both. It's logical to me because it is how I come to understand the world and myself. It is mysterious because as a mere mortal, I don't have all the answers. I still think asking questions is valid. Heck, Job, David, and lot of others asked questions! Furthermore, I can't reduce something like the saving blood of Jesus Christ into mere mechanics, mere physical reality. It almost seems inherently mysterious, intentionally incomprehensible, and as such, my awe and wonder and love for God grows... strange as that sounds. (more later...)

The past week's events in the lives of friends (and, incidentally, family too...):
-New baby, Jacob Alton, to parents Johanna and Sir Robert, born this past Sunday!
-Freya completed her marathon! 10th in her age division! Wuhoo!
-Sarah and Joe got married! Super great. Wish I had been there.

The week's outlook (for me):
-Jogging! I've decided to run in the Bluegrass 10,000. My dog, Alyosha, is proving to be a great running partner.
-Reading! Currently I am halfway now into Master and Margarita by Bulgakov, and am officially re-reading The Brothers Karamazov.
-Praying! I'm feeling pretty overwhelmed. I'll be needing time sitting at the feet of my wisest friend.

semi-surprise visit

I ate the last of my Lee's hoagies today. Yummy, and yet, sad... there are no more!

Last night Freya and her Romanian friend Andrea came into town to visit me! I had about 4 hours advance notice... they were driving straight from Santa Fe to Annapolis. We had dinner at Ramsey's, they got pie from Missy's, and then I took them to Common Grounds, my favorite coffee joint in town. We had a good time seeing each other. When I woke up this morning around 6:30am, I called Freya, and she was about 45 minutes away from Annapolis... the crazy girl drove all night (OK, that's not so crazy since I've done it too...) Actually, the girl is still crazy, and more than that, she's my hero: she is running a full marathon in Delaware on Sunday!!! I am sure Freya would appreciate prayers and support. :)

Running a marathon is one of those things that sounds cool and exciting to do some day, but in reality, would probably just be grueling and painful... and yet knowing that, I still want to train for one someday...

deep calls to deep

deep calls to deep, originally uploaded by krisde.

a shot while sailing out in the Severn River in Annapolis, MD.

me and my hoagie

I just finished eating my third Lee's hoagie... Yes, I brought enough hoagies back from Philadelphia with me to last for a few meals... it was the only reason I bothered to bring a cooler. My roommates and friends look temporarily perplexed by the usage of this word, "hoagie," being accustomed only to words like "sub" or "sandwich." But "hoagie" denotes a type of sandwich completely different from a sub... most of the reason I think derives from the type of bread that is used in a hoagie - it's thick, slightly crusty on the outside, and it is open at the top so the shape is that of a U. All the goods get stuffed inside. If you ask me, subs can't hold a candle to a hoagie. Hoagies are, by their very nature, intrinsically superior. :) Reason #28 why I miss the northeast.

Back to the usual at work is not very exciting. But the trip? Pretty fantastic. I ran into what felt like a gazillion Johnnie alums. Probably because there were a few unexpected catch ups - like with Robert Abbott, Sarah Stickney, and Katie Roach - in addition to those I knew I'd be seeing - Rhiannon, Stuart, Rhonda, Lisa, Johanna, Laura, et al. Abbott was hilarious: he was full kilter the whole time, the enthusiasm over seeing everyone bubbling over like the champagne that he must have consumed. ;) It was really great. I also managed to see Kasimir when I trekked up to Baltimore, in addition to a few pals from high school, like Kelly, Jim, and Robert. The reunions never seemed to end, and I was glad for it. I even managed to squeeze a swing dance in at the waltz party the night before graduation, thanks to David Ferrell, and yet, somehow managed to fall down in the middle of the floor... I can thank my flip flops for that one. *sigh* My return to SJC was less than glorious.

I covered my bases pretty well as I had hoped while in the northeast: City Dock coffee, Trader Joe's, Lee's Hoagie House, Einstein's bagels, Aromi d'Italia gelato, the SJC bookstore, the SJC darkroom, 49 West, Ram's Head, sailing,... I also got to have coffee with Mr. Braithwaite (my former essay advisor) and had lunch with Mr. Pickens (the athletic director/crew coach at SJC).

The lowlight of the trip was its brevity and the 9 hours of Stephen King I listened to in the long lonely drives... not to mention, the $18 in tolls I had to pay just to go to Philadelphia and then leave! Sheesh.

As I looked on at my friends graduating this year, 2 years my junior, I remembered how it seemed that I was in their shoes just yesterday... and yet, I was clearly the observer, looking in from the outside. I also clearly knew that I was, in a way, glad not to be in their shoes any more... glad to have a better footing about the future and not floundering in society and dealing with how to live and get by and what to do with my life for the duration of the immediate future or long term... As it stands, I still haven't a clue about the long term anyway.

(my co-workers are joking about calling each other their "sweet little pita".... which is really just an acronym for "pain in the ass"... ahh, corporate America... standing around one another's cube and swapping jokes... back to it I suppose...)

fun with reflections and parking garages...

off to Maryland

I am about to leave, in approximately 20 hours, for Maryland. I will hopefully enjoy City Dock coffee, walking along buckling brick sidewalks, sleeping on a dorm room floor, hanging out with lots of fascinating people who just happen to be my friends, stock up on chocolate covered espresso beans from Trader Joes, delectably enjoy gelato at least once, venture out into the choppy waters of the Chesapeake Bay in a sailboat, and revisit my "hometown" of Philly - a visit that wouldn't be complete without a trip to Lee's Hoagie House. (Just some of my favorite things, which you probably already know are my favorite things...) This will also be a very odd trip - seeing so many friends still in college, so many friends who I haven't seen in a long time, so many friends who are pregnant or with children, so many alums, so many tutors,... and yet not really belonging at all to this college since I left it 2 years ago. In fact, this may be my last visit to St. John's and Annapolis for a very long time... I cannot anticipate when in the future I might have recourse to go back.

I think back over these past 2 years and am somewhat amazed at how fast they have actually seemed to go by, also taking into consideration that I haven't been as quantitatively happy as I have been in years past or during my college years. However, I also have an outsider's peek into other people's lives, and as I take a look here and there, I see how different my past 2 years has looked like in comparison to most others I graduated with... and yet, I appreciate what the past 2 years have taught me, and where I am going now, and have this sense that where I've been and where I'm headed clearly is designed for me and none other, and these other paths I can follow and look upon from at a distance also show me that they were designed for them, but also clearly not for me.

Through the struggle and toil of what I've been experiencing by just living life in the past two years, I've been moving away from a frustration that things aren't "working out" as I had hoped and into a different perspective of "this is OK for here and now." I don't view my present reality as a doomsday picture of my life 20 years from now. I am aware that the difficulty now doesn't have to quench my desires and interests... and just because it works well for others to "stick it out" for the long run, I feel free to choose not to stick it out and trust God in stepping out in a place of more questions and unknowns... and this is OK. In fact, it's exciting.

So I leave uber early tomorrow morning, for an 8.5 hour drive... but Tuesday will be the killer: I'll drive 2 hours to Philly from MD in the morning, and then after lunch, endure 10 hours of driving back to KY... all in all, 12 hours in the car by myself for one day... bleh. The road trip queen is ready to retire. At least when flying solo.

no coffee needed.

No coffee has been needed today, but perhaps it would have been preferred. When you work a standard M-F job, 8-5, it's easy to lose sleep... especially if you are prone, as I am, to stay up until midnight, 1, or 2am as the occasion may be because of a self-imposed deadline... so really I can only blame myself for my lack of sleep. I've had a stressful few days.

At my job today I was thinking again about how unsuited I am for what I am doing. Not only is my job in an environment that is stifling rather than stimulating or relaxing, but the actual job requires a very good memory for details, and for keeping track of these details months down the line, and also for having enough foresight and grasp of the business to be able to ask the important questions... well, maybe this doesn't make sense. But I need more structure. Here I am, trying to analyze my job and I am trying to do so by fitting the job into a concise explanation, and well, I'm never concise, and the job can never be explained. This is obvious because after nearly a year (just 3 weeks shy in fact) of working here, I still am utterly confused at times as to how this company functions. At previous jobs, I could handle the details, the workload, the stress, the time-crunch. During my time as a stage manager for theatrical productions, I even thrived under pressure and with managing a huge list of details. But I knew why I was doing what I was doing, and I could strategize about the best way to reach the goal. I cannot do that here. Either that, or my mind has just shut down in the past 2 years.

What, then, would help jobs to be more satisfying, fulfilling, or even just... diverting?

I still maintain that, at least personally, I feel greater satisfaction from my work when I am using my hands... and typing on a keyboard just doesn't count. Using my hands to create, construct, mold, shape, or beatify in some way. For example, carpentry or gardening. I imagine I would much rather enjoy myself employed in those activities than the ones I am doing now. After reading a section from the book of Acts, there was a discussion on whether or not cities - modern day or at the time of Christ/the apostles - had an actual effect on the spiritual life of its inhabitants? Specifically, do cities lead man to have more idols than someone who lives in the country? A couple points were raised, first, that ultimately the cause of idolatry is the heart, and whether or not man lives in a city or the country does not change his fallen state that might lead him to idolatry. The counterpoint was that cities provide the circumstances for idolatry in that they isolate man from the land and provide objects or possessions or more wealth that distracts a man from spiritual matters. There's the recap of the discussion.

I learned recently that the word for "Christian" in the Russian language used to be identical to the word for "farmer." The explanation given to me by the native Russian speaker was that all the farmers and peasants who lived in the country were Christians. The largest contingent of Christians were farmers. Later, I am not sure when, they decided to create a separate word for Christian from the word for farmer. Hence, the word for farmer is christianka and the word for Christian is hristianka. (These are my terrible transliterations into the Roman alphabet... and they both have feminine endings because I can only remember the endings that I would use in describing myself.) So... what can we learn from this linguistic trivia? Does this speak of a deeper truth about the relationship between work and religion, landscape/environment and spirituality?

In Genesis, man is called to work - to actually rule and subdue - the land. Yet we also know that work becomes toil. It becomes a burden. Why? Is it because work is difficult? It requires physical exertion? The exertion of one's mind? It brings pain - blisters and heat and scrapes and long hours and fatigue and sunburns... etc? Yet I still feel that the blisters and heat and long hours in a garden is more enjoyable than the simple office with the comfy swivel chairs and the technologically advanced computers and machinery and the air conditioning and artificial lighting that cater to one's ease and comfort... I would actually prefer the physical pain to the mental stultification, the toil to the "ease" of technology.

happy administrative professionals day to me ... ???

yea, so, apparently today you are supposed to thank your secretaries and administrative professionals... for... a job well done? Putting up with you?

So my co-workers shocked me by giving me a $100 gift card.
(and a fake rose bush plant to sit on my desk... I guess they thought it needed some sprucing up... har har)

Maybe I shouldn't complain about this place so much...(of course, I rarely complain about the people... the people are generally really fun. And it's the people that gave me this gift, not the corporate business...)

Watched Sunset Boulevard, black & white film also from 1950, last night with Lauren...
Bizarre! Not to mention, a bit perverse or sordid... however still enjoyable. Funny how that is.

top 100s

Weekend was good thanks to getting to talk on the phone with Rhonda and Austin, but I have to say the highlight of my weekend was having Rhiannon (SJC '04) call me out of the blue Sunday night... she had missed me when I didn't come to the annual SJC vs. USNA croquet match... I was really surprised that she thought of me! Totally made my day. The good news is that SJC dominated the match, winning all 5 games plus the 2 exhibition games, AND I hope to be trekking up to Annapolis for graduation in about 3 weeks...

I also learned this weekend that the word nullpunkt is the German word for "absolute zero." Pastor Sartelle was teaching on Ezekiel 37 when dry bones are brought to life, and how the scenario before they come alive is one of despair - the nullpunkt of hope. I've been feeling that way lately, like I'm looking out over a field of dry bones in my life and thinking, there is no way these are coming alive...
But I think God might surprise me, as He usually does. I just keep staring and falling more into despair in the meantime though...

Lauren and I have talked about wanting to read the top 100 novels from the Modern Library Association, and watch the top 100 movies from the American Film Institute. I figure, they may not be the best in my estimation, but it's worth giving them a read or a viewing at least. This past weekend, we watched All About Eve, a film from 1950 about life in the theater in NYC. Very well done film, with enough twists to make it really interesting. We were going to watch another top 100 flick, Sunset Boulevard, but then my VCR broke. Go figure.

(Incase you're curious, I've watched 27 of the top movies and only read 17 of the top novels... sad, I know... Even if I were to watch 2 movies a week, I wouldn't watch the remaining 73 before August... and the books? I was thinking it would be a 5-10 year project, but, well, it appears it will be a bit longer than that at this rate.)

This is a bit more ambitious - the top 100 books of all time...

Is it just me or does anyone else undertake grossly ambitious projects like this?? Anyone else know of some good "top 100" or related lists?? Anyone have their favorites from the lists... or their least favorites??

Ruthless

"You can write any time people will leave you alone and not interrupt you. Or rather you can if you will be ruthless enough about it. But the best writing is certainly when you are in love."
-Ernest Hemingway

Here's my problem. Everyone leaves me alone at work when I write on my blog... but I'm not in love.

But I can be ruthless.

Pull up a chair and lets psycho-analyze my last night's dream. All I'm gonna say is,

Freud my arse...


This dream was not Freudian. Why? Because with Freud, elements in dreams are symbolic. This dream was not symbolic... at least not entirely. It was taken straight from my life - real life. My subconscious wasn't interpreting the conscious; it was connecting events and thoughts from my consciousness through imaginary sequences of events.

The dream itself jumped around. There was no semblance of a whole, and events never seemed to wholly flow and fit together, so I will recount the dream in separate slices for each part.

The first part of the dream involved me being a guy. Yes, I was most definitely a guy. I was also going on a double date. There was an anonymous chick with me, and an anonymous other couple with us. We were walking up the hill around some dumpsters. Our destination was this hole-in-the-wall diner of sorts, where we got milkshakes. The only point to this section of the dream was that I kept thinking, "I'm not a girl, so, I must be a guy... As a guy, I need to be a leader..." and then I contemplated what it meant to show leadership in a relationship. Why this scenario? I have no idea... except for the thought process. I recently (say, past 9 months) have been thinking about what leadership looks like, especially in relation to me being in a potential romantic relationship. I've gathered ideas as I have observed others on what it looks like and what leadership qualities a guy (read: my potential spouse) needs to have.

Ok. Moving on. So what was in my mind about leadership qualities as I strolled up this hill playing the part of a man? Well, I concluded at some point that I needed to take leadership in planning a menu for my household. (whaaaaa??) This is not my actual thought of what a guy's leadership looks like: planning a menu. However, I have been reading a couple websites about planning a menu, and talking with my sister about cooking and she has been pushing me to see that perhaps life would be easier if I had a menu planned out. Clearly this is a personal "leadership" issue, if you will, in myself, as I need to take the initiative and time to figure out what I need to eat (and thus eliminate unnecessary time and minutos in the grocery store, which of course is part of the goal since I loathe going there... as well as pursuing healthy eating.) Just yesterday I was also checking this book out, and am hoping to convince my sister to read it with me... (halfway unrelated, I know.) (On another note, it sure would be nice to not have to plan the menu every week for my future household. Yay for guys who can - and like to! - cook!)

The next section of my dream involved picking up a few dozen hard boiled eggs from this diner (I was still a guy), and then driving off in a jeep wrangler. Why the eggs? Because about 2 weeks ago, I had to ask about 5 people to donate hard boiled eggs for an Easter outreach through my church. I was in charge of showing cute international kids how to dye Easter eggs. I also had to boil 2 dozen eggs. Why the jeep wrangler? Not sure, but my cousin Kenneth has or used to have a jeep wrangler, and, well, it was "suweet!" Maybe, if I were a bachelor, that would be the car I'd envision myself driving. ;)

I also dropped some of the hard boiled eggs on the ground. I'm sure Freud would have something to say about that, but I don't, except that I'm a klutz.

At some point, I became Kristi again. It was around the egg-dropping/jeep wrangling section. Then - I think back in the diner - I was talking to this guy, Brandon, who works at my office. This was ironic because Brandon and I have never in real life communicated more than 5 words to each other. However, this actually really bothers me. It bothers me because he's young, and I think, wouldn't he want to get to know other people his age in such a place? But everytime I see him, he intimidates me with a look of anger and annoyance that seems to be painted on his face. It is actually my goal that before I leave this place, I will at least introduce myself, and maybe see if I can glimpse an expression other than anger and annoyance. This is also made more ironic by the fact that I ran into this guy while out for coffee with Lauren about a month ago. Still... no words were exchanged. So in my dream, we were just natural pals. Then, I proceed to introduce him to my friend Jake who just happens to appear. He probably appeared because 1. I just saw him a few weeks ago in person and 2. He just had his oral last week and I had just recently got an email from him about it. What was more was that I revealed to Brandon that Jake actually worked in the cubicle RIGHT ACROSS from him. Brandon had no idea (probably because he's angry and stays in his cubicle by himself all the time, right?) This was strange because... I could never see Jake working at a motor oil company like I do.

I became aware in my dream that I had forgotten that I was supposed to go to the Gallery Hop with Lauren that night... (which we are supposed to go to tonight)... I had instead ridden in a jeep wrangler, talked to Brandon and Jake, and had espresso with Brian. (Actually, I don't remember any espresso being consumed, but I was at a coffee shop were lots of people were consuming espresso... Not coffee mind you, just espresso...) This is ironic because something similar happened last week but the roles were reversed. However, I am pure evil because not only did I ditch Lauren, but I ditched her for Brian... oooo... backstabbing! I am an evil friend. My dream confirms it.

So yea, Brian was in my dream. (be very afraid.) He was chilling in this espresso-only hip coffee place... it actually resembled a big IKEA showroom. Probably because my mom mentioned to me over dinner last night that she was thinking about going to IKEA in a few weekends. (She also mentioned, well, when asked out of sheer curiosity, that she would panic if I ever thought of getting on a plane to California to meet some guy I met online... and I'd say the panic is understandable... when asked if how she would feel if I took a girlfriend with me she said she would still panic. When asked how she would feel if said guy flew here to see me instead, she said maybe she'd be okay with that... so I'm not my mom, and neither are you, but, you know, I can sympathize with you Lauren...) Everything in this espresso place had that shiny silver metallic look and all the wood had a light finish on it. There were huge windows on every side, overlooking what appeared to be a really dirty river with barges on it, reminiscent of the Mississippi or something out of Huck Finn... again, ironic, because my roommate Jessica just returned my copy of Huck Finn to me a few days ago after she finished reading it. It also struck me that this place was not somewhere I would ever expect to find Brian, albeit I have never actually met him so I wouldn't really know, right?, but it looked way too trendy and commercialized and glossy and aseptic. There seemed to be this contrast between the low-lying river coffee place (trendy, clean, open spaces, yuppie) and the diner on the hill (dirty, crammed, dark lighting, behind dumpsters)... this contrast between wealth and poverty... which just makes me think of The Great Gatsby and this photographic representation of the novel I did when I was in the 11th grade... which again is ironic because I just loaned The Great Gatsby to Jessica after she finished Huck Finn... (It's all making sense...)

Back to Brian in yuppie-espresso-IKEA-look-alike-showroom. He is sitting in a black hooded sweatshirt on a bar stool at the "coffee bar." I walk in and we apparently already know one another. He is waiting on these 4 gentlemen a few stools down to finish their conversation. He is next in line. Two of the gentlemen are selling or pitching something to the other two. The other two, you could say, were "customers." One guy looked like George Plimpton. Probably because I had just read yesterday an interview between Plimpton and Hemingway. The Plimpton look-alike was a psychic, or maybe he was a psychiatrist, or maybe it was both... and Brian was waiting to see him. (I am not implying that Brian is like Will Hunting...) (Or that he should consult a psychic...) The assistant to Plimpton look-alike was holding a mix between a palm pilot and a video iPod. He was showing the two customers a video about why they, too, should consult the psychic. This is also ironic because I had a conversation with my dad about a week ago where I ranted about how lame video iPods are because the screen is so small, and how lame and ridiculous in general hand held TVs and other such devices are that portray images because either it just proves you can't entertain yourself without TV, that you are bound to images or your existence is dependent upon pictures (a la Mao II by Don DeLillo which I also happen to be currently reading...), and that you care nothing of quality since the size of the image ruins any quality that may have hitherto existed. I also think psychics are lame and ridiculous, so we have two ridiculoso elements merging in my dream.

I ask Brian why he is seeing a psychic, and he says because of his anxiety. I tell him "good luck." It is then that I call Lauren on my cell phone... in front of Brian... (I told you I was evil)... and because she's a swell friend who doesn't care that I ditched her to hang out with another of her friends, she says "OK" and agrees to come over to my place at 9:30pm with Andrea to hang out. I remember her laughing at some point in the conversation. Maybe because I can usually make her laugh out of my sheer idiocy and lame-o attempt at humor on the phone. (This is a pretty standard occurrence.)

Then there is a return to diner-on-the-hill. However, the place is closed, barred by diner-esque red sparkly chairs. Disappointing, since all diners should be open 24 hours a day. Mary Duffy is sitting on the stoop. I have no idea why Mary Duffy appeared in my dream. Apparently she worked there... and she worked at 2 other diners, (clearly she has a ubiquitous presence), and at a place called "Nacho Quiche." (Which doesn't exactly sound like the most appetizing eat...)

That is about where the dream ended when my alarm woke me up at 6:12am.

"a late one"

"a late one", originally uploaded by krisde.

here's to the Ale8...

This was my Friday night last week. I went to the grocery store - and I loathe going to the grocery store - and was there for over an hour. This grueling errand was made bearable only by my iPod. As I was leaving, I hear a loud clap of thunder overhead... and when I step outside, there is a strong wind blowing and what appears to be a light mist in the air. No problem, right? Unfortunately, somewhere between the exit of the store and where my car is parked, the floodgates of heaven open... FLOODGATES people! I was soaked in 10 seconds. Not to mention, my very full cart of groceries. It was a miracle I didn't break the eggs after slinging my groceries into my backseat. When I finally get back into the safe, dry confines of my car, I had the impulse to scream, curse, and laugh. I think I did all three. So when I get home, I was itching to kick back and relax, wind down after a stressful hour. So I played around on my my new computer, did a little video chat with Dwight. I drank an Ale8 and listened to my iPod and took self-portraits, while my my hair was still wet and wavy. This made life a lot better. Even if I was at home, by myself, sitting in a cold basement, on a Friday night...

I have off work on Good Friday. (I also missed the "wear your jeans" memo today... sigh.) Friday I am meeting a Belarusian guy from my church, Yura, for a Russian lesson. I was going to host a Seder dinner tonight, but ran out of time to plan it. Instead I will go to a Maundy Thursday service at church.

The word Maundy can be traced back to Old English, French, and Latin (so Merriam-Webster tells me). The Old English signifies "washing" whereas the French and Latin signify "command." This refers, apparently, to the foot washing ceremony that Jesus did, and his command in John 13:34: "Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another."

I don't know if anyone reading this has ever participated in a foot washing ceremony. I have. I was in the 8th grade. I may not even have been a believer at that point in my life. I remember distinctly a friend who refused to participate. She found the idea of washing someone's feet "disgusting" and she was likewise embarassed to have someone else wash her own, potentially smelly, feet. I remember participating in the ceremony. First my feet were washed, and then I washed someone else's next to me. I remember feeling a sense of awkwardness when my feet were washed, akin to "Don't do this! Really, stop kneeling in front of me, it's unnecessary..." - maybe this was also a result of that fact that the youth pastor at this church was the one washing my feet. Yet when I turned and did the same, my attitude was different. I found significance in the event, perhaps bordering on necessity even. It wasn't repulsive to me in any way. It wasn't awkward to me in the way it was before. It was humbling, yes, but I want to say that I even did this ceremony... with gratitude for being able to do it. Perhaps therein lies the necessity... after being served, I could not help but feel compelled to serve another. This also makes me think that sometimes the harder thing is really to let others serve us, than to be the servants. And yet Jesus continually serves us, even now. The question is, will we let Him serve us?

He served us a meal, He gave us His body and blood, He gave us a gift in the form of a Counselor, He gave us life, and He gave us freedom.

So I say, be free.

basking in its manufactured glow

basking in its manufactured glow, originally uploaded by krisde.

did I mention that I got a new computer?

or should I say a new toy?

It is tres fun.

Macbook Pro. The one and only. :)

When at 7,000 feet...

... don't assume that you can walk up stairs or jog for one block without getting out of breath... that is, unless you have been living at 7,000 feet or higher for a while and/or like to take long 10 mile jogs on a regular basis like my friend Freya.

Travels to Santa Fe... well... it was my third visit to this town, and my most lengthy stay yet. I love how stores welcome leashed dogs on their premises, but humans toting beverages are not allowed... or that dogs can come join you for your breakfast or dinner at a local restaurant. The sky is indeed huge. Huge and blue and beautiful. The mountains are a refreshing and captivating sight. The hikes are strenuous, often as a result of making your own trail through the shrubbery, reddish dirt and rocks, that test your drive and lung strength at some 8,000 feet. I read Act I of Waiting for Godot aloud with Lauren in the Houston airport. I was admonished by two 30-something women from Texas - complete strangers - to never get married, after incidentally ending up sharing a meal with them in an airport. Rousseau was more interesting than I had remembered, as I listened to juniors discuss it around the familiar seminar table. Apple blossoms are breathtaking against the backdrop of an adobe building, or a blue, blue sky. I swelled with nostalgia when discussing great books impromptu in a dorm stairwell. Or perhaps when I noticed the greek paradigms in the bathroom stalls for freshmen. I laughed really hard when watching The Graduate with a roomful of people equally amused. Getting hailed upon while soaking in a hot spa was a new experience. (The cucumber water was indeed a nice refresher after our visit to the Ten Thousand Waves.) I managed to parallel park - twice - without causing visible damage to anyone's vehicle... I even got to drive Freya's loveable tri-color Minnesota plated car around town, and enjoy the bumps and dust clouds while sweeping around unpaved mountain roads. I spent quality time with my Holga. I discovered that Whole Foods has really good iced coffee, and lament its absence from my city. I also lament the absence of Trader Joe's. I learned that if you lose your child's blankie, you need to stop apologizing otherwise your kid will never forget this terrible fact, and may never actually forgive you. Neither will the other airline passengers who get to listen to your child's screams for 2 hours. There was shared spontaneous prayer both early and late in the day. Tap water in Santa Fe is actually good. I discussed justice with Jake, faith (the faith, our faith) with Freya, and existentialism with Lauren. I read Act II of Waiting for Godot aloud in an empty common room with Lauren. I was Vladimir, she was Estragon; I was Pozzo, she was Lucky; and I got to call her both Gogo and moron, which amused both of us greatly. I also revisited The Social Contract by Rousseau, read short stories from Dubliners by James Joyce, a treatise on Hope by Josef Pieper, and almost completed a treatise on Love by the same. I was fortunate to have 10 minutes talking to Jared who called from Oregon and got stuck talking to me. I became obsessed with photographing orange couches,












shy friends,












beautiful hands,










shadows and words on the pages of books,











sunlit hair,










and adobe facades.












I forgot about daylight savings... but so did Freya. I ate green chile, middle eastern food while belly dancers invaded my personal space, blue corn tortillas while sitting in a sun room of the Shed with low ceilings and white orchids, a waffle engulfed in whipped cream, and one of the most amazing delicious dinners that I have ever had (and probably the only completely vegan dinner I've ever had...) which is to say, Freya can work wonders with sprouted grain pasta and avocados. I also drank more caffeinated beverages in 4 days than I do in a standard month. I verbally confessed my fixation with plaid pants. Although I conceded to Jake that the ubiquitous Johnnie chairs can eventually become uncomfortable, this is nothing compared to the hip bruises of sleeping on a carpetless dorm floor for 4 nights straight. After everything, whether fun or physically painful (as my sunburnt scalp reminds me), my money and time was well spent. Why? Because fellowship with favorite people, soul friends, and family in Christ - sometimes all one and the same - is very sweet.

And I didn't even miss the NCAA championship. Didn't even give it a thought. I think I am better off for that. Sometimes the Johnnie bubble is a good thing.

shock

shock, originally uploaded by krisde.

Seminar Notes I

I am getting ready to travel to Santa Fe this weekend to visit friends Freya and Jake at St. John's College, and have plans to sit in on the junior seminar Monday night with my non-Johnnie friend Lauren. The seminar is on Rousseau's Social Contract. Last night, I pulled out my copy and perused through the text. As one who likes to underline, mark up, and take notes in my books, I occasionally run across notes from seminars. And so it was, that in Discourse on the Origin of Inequality, I stumbled across this note:

le monde - the world as a "cosmic tofu": colorless, formless, textureless

Isn't seminar great??? If only I knew who to attribute that to...

This may start me on a hunt through seminar books in search of other seminar quotes, whether quirky, inane, or profound... Other Johnnies, feel free to share "great" quotes from seminar (whether the quotes actually constitute of greatness qua greatness is another matter. ;)

Politics and the Cave

As I continue to follow news reports and articles about the goings on in Belarus, I am noticing two distinct strains of thought by the reporters and in the editorials. Either:
1. The writer supports the opposition and decries the travesty of the beatings by police and the jailing of the protesters… IOW, they want a regime change
2. The writer decries the Western media for distorting the truth to reach their own ends, and support the election results as being accurate and the will of the people… IOW, they don’t think the people want a regime change

This is puzzling to me because the two perspectives are not polar opposite. No one in Category 2 says they support 100% the reigning President. The blame for the opposition’s activity resides with the West, not the government or authorities. Everyone in Category 1 speaks about the problems of their nation as evidence and reasons for why there needs to be a regime change. Category 2 folks don’t even address their concerns.

Here is what I find is missing: no one is actually evaluating the psyche of the entire population of that nation in how they are deciding whether there is or is not a need for a change.

Category 1 people have their eyes focused on the cause they believe in, irregardless of what others may think or say. Even if their nation is against them, as the opposition, 99 to 1, they will still fight. Now, Category 2 people have their eyes focused on their own lives and wanting them to return to their peaceful normalcy, spurning the opposition and blaming the West for creating chaos. Even if the opposition has a reasonable cause to oppose, they will still ignore their reason. OK, so what are the motivating factors here? Category 1 people see problems and they want change. They see oppression and they want freedom. Category 2 people see prosperity and stability and do not want change. They see safety and do not want chaos. There is a clear difference in perspective.

The few individuals who would rather have freedom (than stability and prosperity) pursue it at the cost of those who do not wish it. (I acknowledge stability is not the antithesis of freedom; however, to achieve the freedom there unfortunately is an almost guaranteed instability, albeit for a little while… and in some cases, a long while…) For these individuals, the will of the majority is null when freedom is at stake. Their cause is not even a democratic one, it is a moral one. A second reason their cause is a moral one is the fact that the will of the majority may not be a valid will, if the will is forced to choose one path over another. The majority, if they are ignorant of any alternative, has a void will. They have the guise of having an active will but in reality they have a passive will, choosing the only path available… If I blindfold you and ask you to tell me what you see, you say nothing. But on the other side of the blindfold, there may be a world unrealized, that is, objectively true, absolutely real, though relatively non-existent. But I willed you to say you could see nothing, because I gave you no alternative by putting the blindfold on you. My analogy is not stellar, but think of it this way, fellow philosophers: Category 1 have emerged from the cave… anyone not in Category 1 (Category 2 people and everyone else remaining silent on the issue, who we will call Category 3 people) is still staring at shadows on the wall. (Shouldn’t the Category 1 folks feel that it is [divinely] imperative to bring the rest out of the cave’s darkness?)

Let me come full circle here, back to the political talk. What is neglected by Category 2 and 3 folks is their approach to or perspective of the problems that the opposition party is discussing. Either, a) the majority does not consider the so-called problems as being problems, b) the majority does not know there are problems, or c) the majority accepts the problems for the sake of X (insert: prosperity, stability, etc.)

If (a), then the majority has a different definition of right and wrong, good and evil. I may say that repressing freedom of speech is wrong. But the majority may say that repressing freedom of speech is not wrong (i.e. serving some good, higher purpose) – in this case, the higher purpose is the will of the government authority.
If (b), then the majority is unwittingly, unknowingly ignorant of the problems as existing, or in other words, they cannot be blamed for thinking the way they do… they know of no other alternative (back to the cave analogy)
If (c), then the majority cares for themselves and neither the collective nor the individuals… They ultimately care solely for themselves. It doesn’t matter if their neighbor cannot speak freely; there is no love for neighbor as they would love themselves.

(A) is an intellectual issue, one that will require dialogue to find the common ground of what is good and bad. Relativism is the problem
(B) is a political issue, one that will require the exposure of the misinformation the majority receives. Propaganda is the problem
(C) is a spiritual issue, one that will require a change of heart to love and care for one’s neighbor, willing to fight the good fight for justice, truth, goodness. Apathy, Indifference, and antagonism to God are the problems

I think I’m done now.

*update: A girl in her 20s who I met last fall was released last night at 3am from a Minsk prison... AND the Afghan Christian was released as well, even while some were chanting "Death to Christians!" in protest. (Which isn't shocking, but saddening.)
Glory to God; the prayers of many have prevailed!