back to the old year

reflections on Christmas:
I must say this Christmas for me ranks in the top ones in my memory. Maybe because the food was so good and plentiful. Maybe because of giving and receiving gifts. But not really. I think it really had more to do with the fact with the people I spent the holiday with, and the people that cared about the meaning of Christmas. We read some excerpts from the OT and NT which were good and put the focus in the right place. And we all - it seemed, for perhaps one of the first times- all cared to put the focus on the right place. On top of that, I got to visit with two of my cousins on my Mom's side - Kevin and Kenneth, who are tres fun people to be around, and I am only sad that we see so little of each other, but hopefully email will keep us better in touch (I also promised Kevin to make mention of him on my blog, props to him for actually reading my blog ;)
... AND I got to see my dad's brother Rod, and my cousins Jon and Sara, who in all honesty, I may not have seen in close to a decade. Pretty crazy. They are very cool, huge VT fans, so we'll have to see who triumphs in the sugar bowl - Tech or Auburn. This is a close one for me. Mom is for Auburn, Dad is for Tech... so I'm in the middle. Since I'm actually from the state of Alabama, and I've never lived in the state of Virginia, I lean towards Auburn on this one... I just try not to mention that to my Dad too much or he might disown me ( j/k ;)

so you could say I'm back in the swing of things. Except I'm not really. This week is pretty abnormal (3 days of work), not to mention, this is the end of the year, and supposedly in about 4 days everything begins "anew." New Years are not particularly significant to me. It is fun to have a party and hang out with people, to have an excuse to celebrate [trip down memory lane: one of the best New Year's was when I was in high school, we had a "progressive new year's party" where we hopped between 3 houses during the celebration that night... in the end, we crashed on my basement floor under the pool table, ha], but nothing really changes for me. I used to make resolutions. Except I don't always stick to them. (But if I decide to make any, I'll let you know ;) Sometimes I look forward to the "new year" because of some pending event that I approach with great anticipation. Perhaps it used to be a vacation with family, high school graduation, going to college, going back to college, going to Europe, college graduation, going to Alaska... but as I look at 2005, there is only one thing to look forward to (in the sense of actual events) - and that would be: weddings. I have 3 weddings already scheduled to attend (one each in April, May, June) (and in 3 different states nonetheless: Kentucky, Florida, New York). So I can look forward to those. But as for my personal life, well, just me and Alyosha and an apartment and anticipation only of what God may have in store, because I have nothing myself in store. (if that makes sense)

other notes: just finished reading Orthodoxy by G.K. Chesterton. He actually talks a lot about Christianity as an adventure. I will have to put some quotes up to reflect on, so stay tuned.

another survey!
I previously asked about favorite poets/poems
How about: favorite artists/pieces of art/genre of art/museums of art
and as for the converse: least favorite genre (which usually boils down, for me, to the genre I lease understand.... which would be modern art. I like some of it, but other times... I just want to laugh because it is absurd. and maybe that is the point....)
and for favorites? well... one of my favorite museums is the Metropolitan Museum of Art in NYC, it is huge and amazing. I also loved the Musee d' Orsay in Paris. Of course, when it comes to art, I love Ansel Adams' photography. In Washington, D.C. I loved the Cole paintings about the River of Life at the National Gallery. I also loved at the Vatican the School of Athens painting (haha, classic, eh?) by Raphael along with the other 3 paintings in that room (names eluding me right now, I'll look it up) I remember journaling about specific pieces of artwork when I was in Europe, so I'll have to revisit my journals and update this post. But on with the survey! ;)

merry Christmas

(that's all, really... be merry, celebrate Christ, and you can't go wrong :)

another road trip.

and so I found myself in Annapolis once again. It was a tiring weekend, but worth it to celebrate at Rhonda's wedding. It was a beautiful ceremony. I appreciated the focus on God as opposed to simply the bride and groom. Not to mention, they had swing dancing at the reception ;)

My car is pretty disgusting looking. I had to drive 4 hours or more with constant snowfall. It was a long drive home... and now I have to hang in here for 4 days before getting a 4 day Christmas vacation. ... ... ... which also means: more updates on my blog! yeehaw. I think I would become a college professor just so I could have the college schedule: breaks between classes during the day, long Christmas vacation, spring breaks, not to mention summer... ... ...

talked about the sense of futility one can have towards life with friends in Annapolis. I think it is important for me to remember Solomon's words- that everything is actually meaningless under the sun, but to remember all the more that "everything under the sun" is not everything in existence... for everything beyond and above and greater than this sun and this earth and this world would be God Himself, the Divine plan and Heavenly hope, and this is not meaningless. I have been feeling a sense of meaninglessness lately at my job. That feeling that your soul is being pounded to numbness, feeling lost and without hope. This is not a good place to remain long. It is good to remember that though things seem futile or meaningless, God can redeem all this and change these feelings to those of hope. hmm. Makes me think about the first time I held a gun in my hand and learned to fire it. Terror: the feeling that I could take someone's life, or someone could take mine, but someone who would have no right to do so. Only laws and "conscience" restrains such. But along with this terror, the thought that no one has a right to take my life, whereas, what if one had the right? What if there was no veil of "conscience" or law to stay one's hand? That being shot was merited by another? A heightened fear, and awe that if this were the case, why am I alive? It would have to be due to sheer mercy if I deserved to die and yet lived on, as I do now. Then the thought: God has every right to take my life. I do deserve to die. So does God point a gun at me perpetually? Threatening me with death at every second? No... instead, I feel His mercy all the more, His mercy that fills me with awe, for though I deserve to die, His mercy triumphs over His judgment. I have been given grace! Grace is not meaningless, and living to share this Grace is not meaningless either...

(Rhonda's marriage would be without hope without God. But God gives her and Jared meaning for their life together, and hope in Him. His Grace will be with them. What great meaning!)

annapolis, adventure...

I’m thinking about my trip to Annapolis. So much to say... because I feel so much. But what can I say to convey what I feel? I fear I will say much too superfluous, much too inaccurate, much too insufficient. There are a lot of neat places in this world, in this country. Some are little apple orchards down a windy dirt path, others are metropolises across oceans wide. I think each and every place you can find charm and something appealing. Just some places possess these qualities more than others. There are many reasons I love Annapolis, and many reasons I don’t care for it. I think that in the end the good outweighs the bad for me. Now take Lexington: I came here, by choice. Perhaps here too the good outweighs the bad, but sometimes I find myself in doubt.

I am a wanderer, and yet, desire constancy. Yet my current job and current living situation are not examples of the sort of constancy I crave. I crave constancy in relationships. Or: I don’t like feeling lonely and detached. I felt (feel?) this way about those I graduated with and those I left behind still in study at St. John’s (or elsewhere for that matter). I think I’m suffering from a Johnnie complex- feeling like I’ve found the individuals that mean the most to me, who I enjoy the most, am impacted by the most, and thus not particularly caring to go through the hard process of meeting new people, forging new friendships… I used to feel like befriending everyone. This is still true to a certain extent, and yet, at the same time I feel like I’ve found those who I will let inside my crazy and impassioned mind and heart and soul and that is enough for me, I am pleased, I am content, and I am inwardly groaning because I am physically absent from these wonderful people. Naturally, I don’t want to limit the possibilities of meeting new people who can in the future, down the road, whether I see it or want it or expect it now, greatly impact my life, perhaps equally so or exceeding the impact of those I feel closest to currently. I obviously don’t want to be a snob and slight the rest of the world just because I’m happy… perhaps I can be a blessing to others… but am I so far wrong in my complex to think that it is natural and desirable to have the fellowship and friendship of a select group of individuals, for how can I be close to everyone? I can tirelessly keep on sharing the main focus of my heart – for this is about treasuring the gospel – but I tire quickly of saying so many things to so many, and all the while, craving the words and presence of one of the few that I miss most. Such people (and here, on this comment, I am broadening this group beyond St. John’s, including others from other times and places who would still fall into this category, some who are very close and dear to me)- such people, I would call soul friends. There is enough commonality- shared faith and passions and interests – and enough to separate us and make us good complements in friendship, seeing each other’s faults, loving each other despite them, sharing and expressing the differing interests and opinions in an arena of mutual and equally attuned interest and captivation. This is done on a smaller, less significant, less intensely focused arena with new friends, and then, the old who may have drifted away.

So being in Annapolis was like "balm to my soul" and yet, in lifting my spirits to soaring heights and peaceful joy, made the descent more rapid, peeling away at my heart, leaving a piece behind somewhere in the shadows of goodbye, for this is not my world now. The entire time, though, God was gracious and providential, naturally: spending time with certain individuals I didn’t expect to and having it be a great blessing; letting me have more down time for conversation that was focused on more than just catching up; reminding me that perhaps I am not forgotten by select few even if the year goes on without me in a place I am no longer.

Back to the nature of place. I’ve always been a bit – oh what’s the word- annoyed? Perplexed? Exasperated? – by people asking upon coming to a new place: "what’s there to do here?" I mean, this is America, it’s not some foreign culture. Every place- virtually- has its chain restaurants, movie theaters, suburbs, malls, bowling alleys, coffee shops. Some more than others, some better than others. So what do these people mean when they ask, what’s there to do around here? As if adventure and fun came by only "doing things" on one’s free time, and those things being mainly in the line of entertainment. Perhaps I’m alone here (but I suspect not) when I say that the adventures in life are created, encountered and not simply "done" for entertainment value. (or, for sheer "sensationalism," a dangerous thing to be drawn to I think as an end in itself, often referred to as adventure but I think quite different…)

What is adventure anyway? Being the first person to accomplish something, like climbing Mt Everest, or setting world records? Is adventure always spontaneous? Does adventure require other individuals? Is adventure doing something out of the ordinary in general, or out of the ordinary for you? Does it mean we have to leave our homes, move, go somewhere? (how funny it is that this whole train of thought- almost unrelated to my trip to Annapolis itself- was but evoked from one conversation while I was in Annapolis. I was criticized for lacking adventure in my life, and now I have to seriously weigh this in my mind… the individual undoubtedly spoke out of care for me, desiring I have more adventure in my life, and yet, ouch!, I must earnestly ask and evaluate, is my life lacking adventure?!? What does this mean?)

Adventure. Advent- to begin something, the mark of something new. Advent season- the time to celebrate the coming of a new covenant, a new life, a new time for God and men on earth. Anticipation. Excitement. Uncertainty. Might adventure also possess such qualities? Adventure being something not encapsulated in one event, but being perhaps actually an unfolding of that great dream I referred to earlier, that unfolding made up of moments, and each moment building, transforming the entire canvas of perspective and future. I did a lot of silly things in high school to pass the time, to have fun on the weekends. But for all the silly things I did, very few would fall under adventure for me. And here I am: struck now by the fact that I am in One Great Adventure known as History in the Making, the Unfolding of the Universe and the Plan of its Creator. But what of my personal, smaller scale, reflective adventures? By splashing paint on a wall, is this adventure? By splashing paint on a wall I may just be ushering in a new perspective, painting that canvas another color, not settling for the present, the mundane. Aha!- striving for something more. And here I touch upon a concept that is dear to me... The need, the passion, the drive to always strive, eagerly, hopefully, for more- of sucking the marrow out of life perhaps? But even such imagery is weak for my passions- for delving inside is only half of the story, it’s also reaching beyond the starlit sky to the Infinite and Eternal Joy and Love… And then again, reaching outside to others, concerned not simply about getting the most out of my life, but helping someone else get the most out of theirs as well. Personally, in the quiet of a room, in the sweat running down one’s face from a dance that can’t be danced enough, the words streaming from a pen onto a page expressing one’s thoughts for someone or no one but oneself, and yes, in the embrace or holding of a hand, an intent gaze of eyes that see more than color and dimension, or the connection of minds, which may capture a glimmer, or substance, of dreams and hopes and feelings and thoughts.

And yet… isn’t there more adventure when some things are concealed and hidden until the proper time, finding adventure in the waiting room, and not simply having the adventure descend when the waiting room is over… this is about the idea of making our adventure, adventures not being a culmination per se, but more than a culmination. But I do think adventures are meant to be shared, whether with God or spouse or friend. Because then the drive and the ideas do not stem from one alone, but spontaneity, inspiration, and surprise result. Surprise often leads to adventure I think, or is the result of adventure. Not to mention- risk. Risking your thoughts, your heart, whether sky diving or writing a sonnet for someone dear to you- though unbeknownst (for a second I thought I just made up a word, but rest assured, it is in the dictionary) to them. (Here, I touch upon the fact that there are immoral adventures- like risking purity or marriage by physical intimacy with someone else - and then the amoral adventures- ones that are not wrong, but perhaps do not have anything particularly virtuous about them, like travel. I don’t know if such a thing as a moral adventure exists, but I am confident that the immoral adventures do exists- perhaps these would only be considered actual adventures to those who are blind to the questionable nature of the "adventure.")

The easiest adventure involves leaving one’s usual place- travel for instance, seeing sights and climbing new heights and depths and crossing new miles. My 20,000 miles of driving around this continent and 8 and a half weeks of backpacking in another continent were the easy adventures. The difficult adventures must be created when there is the constancy of place that is less than desirable- my current situation, life and job. Can I help having to be "tied down" in some respects? Life requires that I abide by certain rules- the need for money, for example, to get food and shelter; that I must pay off my college debt, or pay rent; that I work for that money to do these things. I cannot run free, not nearly as free in time or even choices that I felt I had in college. Sure, I could be a vagrant, be homeless, but this would be incredibly irresponsible and my conscience (among others factors) obviously prevents it. So if I work 9-5, 40 hour weeks, is my life adventureless? I do not think so, but it is challenging, and I still feel that I am in a conundrum of sorts, still wondering on the nature of this thing. I won’t pay you for your thoughts, but if you have them to share publicly or privately, I would be most interested. Where do you find adventure? Or: how do you create adventure? Or could it really be simply an arrival, like Advent season/Christmas, something one does not seek out?

In the spirit of thanksgiving.
-I am thankful, very thankful, for life and love and light.
-For grace, the limitless resources that my Father possesses, and my greatest teacher, His Son.
-For community, family, friends, laughter shared, when eye contact makes a difference.
-For hospitality, meals that can be shared.
-For kind words, prayers, actions that speak louder than words, those who go the extra mile (or two or three…) and often go that mile unnoticed or unthanked.
-Spiritual freedom, physical freedom.
-Phone calls out of the blue, letters, visits, those who remember the "important" but especially the seemingly not-so-important details about me
-that love and grace and kindness are contagious
today specifically: safe travel to work, Alyosha being so cute, friends from church to see and study with tonight, eating lots of ice cream for dinner and not being sick the next morning ;) (thanks karen and chad, it is good to remember I am but a child of God)

moments

I have many thoughts and reflections on my weekend in Annapolis. I miss it very much. "It" being both town and people, college and tutors, not to mention, the darkroom. But I will reflect some more and post about it at a later date.

I've had some conversations and read other's reflections about this phase in many of our lives- post- college, pre- our ideal career. And after hearing this song this morning, I thought I'd share some of its lyrics. It is good to realize that though there are many question marks, though I feel so easily defeated and downtrodden, some of the most important and altering moments in our lives are small and seemingly insignificant- they are moments, not one single grand unfolding of a great dream. I need to think on this more. Even if I seldom feel it.
on another note: the leaves of the captivating marvel of a tree by my apartment building were strewn along the ground.... alas, alack. But Christmas is approaching. I've had Joy to the World in my head since June. It'll be nice to sing it in church and with others, songs that should be sung year-round.

The Power of a Moment, selected lyrics by Chris Rice

What am I gonna be when I grow up?
How am I gonna make my mark in history?
And what are they gonna write about me when I’m gone?
These are the questions that shape the way I think about what matters
But I have no guarantee of my next heartbeat
And my world’s too big to make a name for myself
And what if no one wants to read about me when I’m gone?
Seems to me that right now’s the only moment that matters
You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of a moment

I get so distracted by my bigger schemes
Show me the importance of the simple things
Like a word, a seed, a thorn, a nail
And a cup of cold water
You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of, the power of, the power of a moment.

lo and behold!

well.
I had a fun weekend. Visited with friends, went to see Derek Webb (from Caedmon's Call) in concert at a little joint downtown... very good concert. He just came out with a new CD this week too. I think I might have to check it out...
Leo I have found out also has a hidden talent- I knew he was a monk in training, and an athletic director, but who would've guessed he's been getting pointers from the great Houdini? I put Leo in his kennel in the morning, I come home at night and he's romping around and wreaking havoc in my apartment. He's a little escape artist. Well... I hope I fixed this... had to find some extra locks. We'll have to see exactly how good he is at this escape business... ;)
other fun news: I'm driving to Annapolis Thursday night. so pray for my safe travel.... 8 hours is a lot. just 4 days of work... but then the holidays are practically here- hard to believe it's time for Thanksgiving! yikes...

construction

don't mind me, i'm just playing around with the blog appearance... getting tired of the same thing...

a mischevious sprite

I was walking outside this morning, and noticed this tree set off, far to the back of the wooded area, looking quite unassuming. But as I approached I was immediately struck by the beauty and marbled colors of the tree's leaves. My instant reaction was to pluck a single leaf from the tree to admire and enjoy.... and yet, as I looked, every leaf was battered, torn. No leaf was untouched by the wind and rain and cold. and yet the leaves together were so striking, I thought as though the tree were a mischevious sprite, laughing at my admiration and questioning thoughts, glorying in its beauty often unnoticed and achieved by imperfection. It is kind of spooky how many things that seem so ordinary can end up becoming a turning point or a point of reflection later on. A tree perhaps unnoticed every other day suddenly, for no reason, catches my eye and causes me to stop and look and question and wonder.

thursdays are nice days I've decided.

hello from a world of craziness

let's see...
election is coming up, I'm kind of nervous.
Auburn is doing well in football... yay.
work is keeping me busy, I'm trying to log some overtime, and I'm having fun getting to know my co-workers... a lot of really good, fun and funny people. The work itself: a bit stressful. After a hiatus from the phones, I got to train people and process claim payments... now I'm back on the phone on a full time basis. It sometimes gives me a metaphysical headache.
I'm in NC, had a long drive here (didn't arrive until near 2-3am) and I am going to head back to KY now... but I have a visitor with me, Johanna! It is so nice to see her, and at least I have someone to talk and laugh with for the 14 hours of driving.
Leo is perplexing me as ever before. Freaks out at cars, men, and peanut butter; refuses to eat his food in one sitting (he's practically fasting like a little monk); wakes me up- and keeps me up- at 1am, 2:40am, 3:47am.... but then lets me oversleep until 8:09am and then I'm late for work; he likes to jump on me and Karen and tries to bite us, but runs and hides around most other people; he gets car sick for the first month every time I took him in the car, then I take him on a 7 hour car ride and he silently sleeps in the back without being bothered or getting sick...
I'm thinking about how when I want to talk to someone, it's not so much that I want to be heard, but I want to hear. I long not so much to answer everyone's questions and share every waking moment and thought of my life but the longing is to hear behind the walls of someone else's mind and heart. Yet how easy it is when the walls don't ever seem to come down in others, that I then build my own walls and keep people from knowing what I really think about and feel when I'm by myself, mind wandering, praying, and trying to fall asleep at midnight. I always have felt "cursed" (I jokingly would say, though I'm aware it's a gift) with compassion and empathy for others... but as I have been dealing privately and corporately with the death of the pastor at my church, I've been hearing people/psychologists/counselors say that pastors often have a gift of empathy and in turn makes them more susceptible for this strength to be attacked and turned against them as a weakness... it makes them more susceptible to depression by carrying these burdens of so many people and internalizing them... so maybe I am not so crazy for feeling like this "unnatural" compassion for people, the desire to help someone behind the walls of their soul, the craving to connect, is a curse... it is a gift but perhaps sometimes it is turned against me by the powers that be, pulling me down, draining me emotionally, making it hard to let people be in and out of my life, fluid, and not constant or steady, and for me to find balance and solidity on a daily basis by myself...

enjoy the photos, I thought I'd give a little tour of my life here in KY... places I spend a lot of my time...

On a walk at the park!

leo-park
Originally uploaded by krisde.

Over Labor Day, at Kirklevington Park down the road from my apartment. Leo and I were out for a quick run... he runs faster than I do!

Leo meets the Pink Octopus

leo-octopus
Originally uploaded by krisde.

Here Leo is playing with a pink clacking octopus. (note to Kabe and Blake: I had to rescue the octopus in the end from Leo's clutches... he didn't know how to play nice :( The octopus is now at a safe distance... )

Tates Creek Presbyterian Church

tcpc3
Originally uploaded by krisde.

Another shot of the construction

Tates Creek Presbyterian Church

tcpc4
Originally uploaded by krisde.

and here is my home church, with a new sanctuary under construction!

Southland Christian Church

southland
Originally uploaded by krisde.

On Wednesday nights, I go to a class here at Southland Christian Church with Karen & Chad... it's a 10 wk course on OT prophets/Israel after the Exile. Next semester, perhaps a 10 wk course on Biblical Greek... I could use the refresher ;) This place is huge- it has terminals like an airport!?

Tower Hill Insurance Group

thig1
Originally uploaded by krisde.

and this is my preferred view of my office building... looking at it through my rear car window as I drive away at the end of the day...

Tower Hill again

thig2
Originally uploaded by krisde.

and this is my office building, Tower Hill Insurance Group.
work is just a blur...

Scoping out the parking lot for a hot lady dog friend....

leo-blinds
Originally uploaded by krisde.

Leo being an inquisitive puppy... looking outside through the blinds

Apartment tour...

bedrm3
Originally uploaded by krisde.

and of course I have to show off the very cool bookshelf I designed and made, and the book collection it holds... and this isn't even the entirety of it ;) (This takes up half my bedroom)

Apartment tour...

couch
Originally uploaded by krisde.

and this is my new $50 couch with my $3 coffee table (awaiting a new look, I think, maybe some paint at least)... Leo is miffed he's not allowed on the couch

Apartment tour...

apt1
Originally uploaded by krisde.

and now for a glimpse inside my apartment... the living room and the doorway to the bedroom. (and of course I have to show off my diploma, ;)

WaffleHouse

wafflehouse
Originally uploaded by krisde.

note on the right side... the Waffle House! It is literally within sight from my "back yard" (more accurately, my apartment building's side yard). Yay for 24 hour WH's within walking distance!

My own home

bldg16
Originally uploaded by krisde.

a view of my car, Dart, outside my apartment building

well.

sorry for the long silence... sadly, it will have to continue a little longer...
time! time! time!
but photos are on the way!

i'm laughing at the texans inside

not something you see everyday:
a car with a Texas license plate, which is surrounded by a Kentucky Wildcats frame, with Kentucky Wildcats stickers all over the back windshield.

I'm laughing.
One Texan at a time...

Debates

I wasn’t exactly planning on writing about the presidential debates. I have watched them thus far, discussed them, thought about them. But I must say… last night’s VP debates were lively. Amusing. I’ve always heard about how Cheney can be a real jerk sometimes. He wasn’t showing that side last night. He was however showing his superior understanding and intelligence in political matters, and did have a few effective sharp jabs aimed at Edwards and Kerry. If I were Edwards, only my pride would keep me from being completely embarrassed. For all his years as a trial lawyer, I gotta say, it has taught him sophistry, but not even sophistry did he perform well. His comments lacked substance and relevance. So he’s a new guy. He hasn’t been in the political arena as much as someone like Cheney. But even still, in giving him the credit of attempting to be a good debator… his words- to me- just overflowed with naivete. I appreciate and admire – in a sense- his idealism. But even in my own bit of political naivete, I still couldn’t help but feel that Edwards (and at times, Kerry as well) are just out of touch with politics and foreign policy. You really can’t tell the American people every thing, and every reason for every decision. It is just impossible, you would end up getting yourself into a mess and perhaps endanger the lives of others. You can say you want to do bilateral talks with Korea but I’m going to side with Bush on this one because at least Bush has been there, worked with the leaders of other nations, and can base policy on his experience and understanding of how things can be - and also will never be –accomplished. That is not to say he is always right, or that I think bilateral talks are bad… but they are idealistic, and have that tinge of naivete that just doesn’t make me believe in the wisdom of Kerry/Edwards on foreign policy. That is not to say I think Cheney is great. I don’t particularly know what to think of him, but at least he demonstrates his knowledge of the facts better, voices his opinions even when contrary to Bush, and shows up to vote on legislation. And as I said, I do appreciate the idealism of Edwards, and also his southern hospitality, but that just is not going to make things happen- or resolve any issues- in domestic and foreign policy, in my opinion. There's my two cents for now.

Contemplating

“If you asked twenty good men today what they thought the hightest of the virtues, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you had asked almost any of the great Christians of old, he would have replied, Love. You see what has happened? A negative term has been substituted for a postitive, and this is of more than philological importance. The negative idea of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. I do not think this is the Christian virtue of Love… If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith… it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak… We are far too easily pleased.” –selections from the beginning of The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis

Whatever my lot... It is well with my soul. (and following: Confessions of a Photography Purist)

What can I say? A lot has happened I suppose. News about my job: looks like it will be lasting a while. At least 90 days, with the possibility of turning permanent with benefits after that. The job as a job is ok, I enjoy my co-workers, my supervisors are nice and sometimes actually overly attentive, I feel like I am truly helping people by listening to them relay the damage that has occurred to their homes since the hurricanes in FL, helping them move closer to rebuilding their homes and lives. With news of this hopeful stability with my job, I submitted an application for an apartment located halfway between work and family, and very close to my church. It is within walking distance to a park, a waffle house, and a public library. What more could I ask for? They also have swimming pools and tennis courts. The apartment itself is sort of small, a bedroom, bathroom, living room, and kitchen, with a small balcony off the living room. But it is more than enough for me and Leo. If all goes well, I’ll be starting the move-in this first weekend in October. On top of all this, however, I have had to deal with some incredibly distressing news in my church these past 5 days. (For those who pray: I covet your prayers for my church in Lexington.) I’m a bit tired from thinking about having to buy so many things for my new home, and the toll it is taking and will continue to take on my finances. (Though, all the same, some purchases are fun. Pier1 was having a sale- one of my favorite stores- and I bought 4 wine glasses. So many of you must be so proud, ha! I also got a big deep skillet… stir fry… omelettes… mmm.) I am struggling still about the year after this one, where I should be or go or what I should do. Seminary looks like it is getting pushed further and further away into the future. Yet in all this, in all the change and uncertainty, I can still say, it is well with my soul. (Selah.)

Other news: puppy chews up the cord on my iron in 6 places… wreaking havoc one step at a time… keeping me tired one bark and whine in the middle of the night at a time… (i'm making it sound worse than it is...)
Football: disappointments on almost every front. UK loses, VT loses… at least we expected it from UK… and at least Auburn looks like they’re doing ok… College football is the only televised sport I muster some enthusiasm for. I anticipate being pushed into enthusiasm again this fall and winter for UK basketball… at least they’re good and merit the enthusiasm.

As far as pictures go, as they have been requested: I hope to comply with the request soon, I am anxious to post some myself, for I enjoy sharing my artwork and giving you all closer glimpses of my life. Yet there are a few reasons for the delay. One: I don’t have a digital camera. Two: I have access to a scanner since I don’t have a digital camera, but the scanner is not mine and I don’t know how to work it and am awaiting instruction and available free time to do the scanning. The whole digital or non-digital debate has been, honestly, of minor importance to me. I just ignore digital for the most part, for I am pleased and content with my 35mm SLR film cameras and I love getting into the darkroom (... how I miss the darkroom at St. John's, even with all its pitfalls, shabby equipment, lack of adequate facilities... at least it was something, and it was a home for me senior year). There is really no competition in my mind. But where the change has occurred (don’t go thinking I’m selling out… at least not completely…) is that I know the sheer convenience of digital. Like posting pictures to my blog, emailing to friends, and saving the money of developing. Nothing will compare to being in a black and white darkroom and manipulating your own negative you developed and handled with your own hands, controlling every detail… with a trained eye and not just a trained mouse-clicking index finger. But digital can compete (some) in quality, and of course the convenience appeal I already mentioned. Thus… I am contemplating buying one. I am also contemplating upgrading my SLR cameras. (I really want a Nikon. They are the best.) But with digital, I don’t want something that’s low-quality… I would want a high-end digital camera to make the purchase and integration of the digital world worth it. But… my finances might not allow me for a while… we’ll see. So... it may be a while before you see pictures on here… but I’ll work on it.

wisdom speaks

I cannot refute you, Socrates, said Agathon: Let us assume that what you say is true.

Say rather, Agathon, that you cannot refute the truth; for Socrates is easily refuted.

-the Symposium

It's my second day on a new job... it's going ok right now, lots of down time because we're in an office that isn't up and running yet. Not sure if this could become permanent, but perhaps, and perhaps I'd stick around to stay on... more to follow...

It is hard to believe that it is September already. Summer gone by, the academic year has begun, and I’m not a part of it. I hear snippets during phone calls of life for friends still at college, but so much remains distant and unknown for me, and it is hard feeling connected anymore.

Funny, over a week has gone by without me being able to post any comments on my blog, but when it comes down to it, I’m not sure I have anything to really share. Blame it on my present zombie-state that has taken hold of me the past two days, thanks to an adorable but troublesome dog who enjoyed waking me up every 30-60 minutes all night long. My mind feels like mush. Or maybe I’m drawing a blank in my mind based on the fact that I’ve been spending many minutes and hours learning and re-learning some computer programs (and zoning out in front of the computer’s glow) that frankly bore me and frustrate me- it’s like a snooze button is being pushed inside my brain over and over again. Then again, I could blame my uninspired mind on feeling that I am becoming a part of the rat race, the working world, as I’ve taken on a few temporary jobs, requiring long commutes, taking place in small cubicles and enclosed office spaces, dealing with paper jams and co-worker tensions, and now facing the prospect that tomorrow I may start a job that could hold me indefinitely. But surely I’ve been wanting and praying for this, right?? A full-time job, that pays well, and has the possibility of becoming a permanent, salaried position with benefits?? Well, “want” is a bit relative here… I “want” this insofar as I need it or can’t come up with any better alternatives. I don’t want it insofar as I miss being a student, with flexible schedules and work schedules that I can make on my own, miss being excited about how I get to spend my day… I know I am not alone in this feeling, that every person’s place in life has its ups and downs, so it is not as though everything would ever be solved by a job change, relocation, or by going backward or forward in time. The challenge- I am proposing- is not so much as to feel that my job or life is meaningful, but to make it so. This is a hefty task however. I can’t seem to come up with anything meaningful to share with my closest family and friends on this blog about my entire last week, and yet I have to create around me a sense of purpose in every menial task. Sometimes it can only be found in the encouragement to do all for the glory of God. But even here, the backbone and foundation of everything I do in my life, the one thing that should always exist even if I think in my own mind that my work is boring or unfulfilling or meaningless… how do I regain the sense that punching numbers into a computer is actually meaningful and a part of God’s plan? This comes to mind because the pastor at my church Sunday morning addressed this very issue. He spoke on the work(s) of God (psalms 111, 145). This applies to us since we are His creation, for we can join Him in His plans and works… but I suppose I’m back where I started, since I may never get a glimpse of how working on a computer is actually accomplishing something in God’s purposes. I have to trust it is doing something for someone somewhere, and that this is meaningful enough. Again, a hefty task. It will require some big perspective-adjustment I think and it won’t come easy.
I’m realizing also that there are different people suited for different things, or rather, I'm finding where I may fall. I worked in a bank one summer, filing all day in the basement, occasionally labeling folders. I knew after that summer that the one thing I took away from that job was the certainty that this was not what I wanted to do ever again. By “this” I did not mean simply filing all day. Not simply working in a basement all day. I meant working in an office, in a business, interacting with computers and papers all day. Instead, I wanted to work with people, conversing, learning, encouraging. I didn’t see myself doing this to help others physically (like medicine, though apparently a lot of people think I should do this, very strange), but more on a spiritual and/or intellectual level. Yet *somehow*, three years after that summer, I find myself back there again, back with the this of my past, because this is the only thing I can do that can support me and cover my living expenses. why oh why did I take a year off? (probably still a good decision, but I have my moments of doubt is all...)
CONCLUSION: realizing how the fallen world affects my daily seemingly menial existence is taxing. Thank God for freedom—if only I could exercise my freedom in a direction…
For me, I long to find an answer to the question of “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m supposed to be there. I’m supposed to be taking action. But desire needs to precede action, thus I have to wait and wait and wait …..

revelation

i had a revelation a little earlier today... I have been suffering from ennui !

(oh, the horror, the horror...!)

sailing, sailing home

so i didn't go sailing today, and I didn't go rowing, but I did have some fun on the water again. I do miss the water in Annapolis. Driving a pontoon boat on a lake in North Carolina is nothing like the challenge to send your own sculling boat across the choppy Severn by sheer muscle strength and adrenaline, or nothing like the pressure of navigating a sailboat through the changing tides and winds, getting over 45 degrees in keel as you lean your torso off the side to balance and steady the boat as you try to maintain the fastest point... but zipping across the water in a big, bulky boat is not too bad as a second runner up. You get the spray of the water in your face, you can watch the water fly up in semi circles beside the boat and glimpse a rainbow that seems just out of grasp a foot under the surface from the way the spray catches the sunlight. Or you can lay on a raft and use your arms like oars and paddle around at eye level to the water. In other words, you can experience fun and relaxation on the water... water sports for the not-so-rich-and-famous, lazier middle class Americans that we are.
I do miss the challenge of being a skillful rower and sailor, to go faster, drive harder, and the sweat that slides down your face as a validation of a good workout. But ending the summer on a lake in a more relaxed setting is nice too. Somehow, sailing on a lake doesn't appeal to me. I know it is virtually the same thing as sailing on a river or on a bay, but just knowing that you can't go anywhere, you literally are confined on all sides by the boundaries of land, makes sailing less thrilling. Even if I never went further than city dock in Annapolis sailing, just knowing that the river emptied into this enormous bay, with so much possibility to explore and find and encounter, and not being hedged in by huge lake-side houses for the on-the-fringe-of-the-rich-and-famous folk... makes sailing at least feel more freeing and adventuresome. On a lake, I feel like sailing is simply for those who just have a lot of money to throw around and buy a boat. It's not like they are ever going anywhere. Or that they'll ever be skillful sailors. I'm sure there's some, but mostly it feels more empty. At least with a pontoon boat, which may give you the impression from the exterior of being some jungle-safari boat, you know it's all about the horsepower and speed, zipping across the waves and racing other boats (as if you could really do that in a pontoon boat)... no illusion here of being a wealthier-than-thou, better-than-thou waterman because of a souped up sailboat. Pfsh. On the lake, it's speed and nothing else. I'm pretty much convinced.

yay for holidays that make for long weekends.

struck by an older man playing flower delivery boy

when i was working switchboard the other day, an older man came in to the reception area, with a red baseball cap with some logo on it, and a gray worksuit. He was carrying a vase of flowers, delivering them as it was his job, for someone who worked in the building. I just thought, what a wonderful job this man has! he gets to bring joy and smiles to people's otherwise busy and harried lives, especially when at work. It was amazing to see how the flowers, which sat at the switchboard desk for half an hour while i worked, affected people as they entered. the light on their faces almost surprised me. people stopped and made comments like the flowers were a novelty or a newborn baby to be oohed and aahed over. or perhaps they just kept secret tiny hopes that the flowers were for them. but still... this older man (and of course he's short, with white hair, and has a great smile. He really was adorable.) ... he is this bearer of joy and light! I couldn't imagine him ever encountering someone who put him in a bad mood, or who he put in a bad mood. Happiness must accompany his footsteps and heck, he probably can't help but smile. It also struck me because usually you don't see older men and women doing jobs that perhaps seem menial, or are not lucrative. You'd think he'd be retired and sunbathing on some caribbean isle or retirment home in Florida. But instead he works and makes a living by being a delivery boy... for a flower shop.

strange names and strange jobs

so i'm at work. now this is something i can really say would not be fulfilling for a long time! I click 4 different buttons on the computer screen all day long. wow. as i go through this company's returned mail, the names can be amusing. Like Joe Schmoe. Poor guy. Of course, I thought maybe it was a joke when later someone listed as their address and city of residence as 'no junk, no junk mail, USA.' yesterday i had the excitement of working the switchboard- yikes. Let me just say... I don't think I want to ever do that again. little did I know it was the switchboard for 5 companies! One woman called back 5 times on my 1 hour shift because I kept connecting her to people who were not in. Another time I sent someone to the fax machine of another company. whoops. it was stressful. tomorrow is my last day at this temp job, and I can honestly say I still know nothing about the company whose office I am sitting in right now. I even tried researching it and the website was not very helpful. It's amazing what some businesses do, and survive and prosper doing.

on other notes, I am thinking about my generation... and our lack of vision, work ethic, direction, and motivation. Granted this is not everyone, but I feel personally a lack of direction, lack of powerful vision, and I at least have observed lack of work ethic and motivation in many people I'm around. Is it just us? Is it everyone? has our upbringing failed us? has our education failed us? our society? our government? or have we just failed ourselves? I mean, everything like this goes back to the fall, but it was pointed out to me by an older friend that this seems more unique to my generation... so where's the blame? what happened? and more importantly, how the heck do I and my peers find direction and vision? well... I have some thoughts/ideas.... but I welcome yours. to be continued i suppose...

thanks for survey answers! keep them coming if you have one to contribute. and stay tuned for future surveys....

i don't know

Isn’t it amazing how sometimes you can think you know someone and then you realize you have been missing a lot of the picture for some time? Or you did know them, but not now… changes have happened without you even being truly aware of them. Well, I find myself thinking about this. Finding this to be true with many people. Myself perhaps included. Sometimes I wonder how much other people know me. Sometimes I feel like groups of friends have put a box around me. I have this strange feeling that I lead different lives around different people- not because I actually have a multiple personality disorder, and not because I put on different personas of my own free will, but because different people bring out different sides to me. (this probably is a good thing)

So as an example: some of my friends in the past identified me as someone with a “hyper laugh” who was pretty goofy a lot of the time, and didn’t really care to make a fool of myself around close friends. Later, around other people I felt more quiet, more reserved, and only did minorly goofy things (like pulling pranks, yeah for good times with my roommate and my HC!). I was more of a behind the scenes, when you least expect it goofy person. Other times, I feel as though I carry the conversation, but when I get around more than 1-3 people, I clam up and then everyone thinks something is wrong with me or I’m in a bad mood because I’m quiet. They say, “you look pensive,” or “are you in a bad mood?” but in reality, I’m only thinking and contemplating and not comfortable talking all the time. Pensive can be good! Another analogy: I went from hating gym class all through school to being one of the more involved female athletes at St. John’s. I remember a friend senior year finding out that in high school I never did sports, and he said his entire idea of me changed.
So can I say anything in conclusion? We think we have one another pegged, but I would venture a guess we don’t really have anyone pegged. I think Lauryn Hill (on her MTV Unplugged 2.0 CDs) put it well when she remarked that we are always changing… because if we don’t grow and change, we’re not alive! So we have to keep re-introducing ourselves to one another. I think she is right. We get snippets about people, we have ideas of someone, but lets not dare put boxes around ourselves or anyone else.

UPDATE! I got a temp job through most of next week, until I go to NC to see my family. Doesn't pay too too great, and it's tedious, but hey, it's something and keeps me from just being lazy around the house for the next 3-5 days. A few leads on apartments but now the choices become: cheap in a not so desirable location (can't walk anywhere), or a little more expensive but the benefits of an indoor pool and in walking distance grocery/theater/restaurants ? hmm... choices choices. Choices used to be: what am I doing Friday? Or Saturday? Should I go to lecture on Friday or not? Should I skip breakfast with the crew team or a shower when practice ran late? Should I finish my paper at 2am or wake up at 6am before class to do it? the choices now: what health insurance plan should I get? What cell phone plan? What apartment complex? What groceries? Which jobs should I apply for? Are my clothes professional enough? The questions of weekend plans don't exactly always factor in. yeehaw.

Ok, SURVEY time!
Q: What is your favorite poem and/or poet?
I eagerly await lots of feedback! I know nothing about poetry! Ok, close to nothing except for Baudelaire and Valery and Dylan Thomas and Wallace Stevens and then again, I probably didn't get them at all! Yayayayayayay!

randomness rocks!

listening: Sufjan Stevens, The David Crowder Band "Illuminate," Air1, Bebo Norman, Mozart's Requiem
craving: cookie dough
clothing staple: used chocolate colored cords, only $8.00!
wanting: some good uplifting conversation, my dog to sleep for 6 hours straight, some peace of mind, to finish my art projects as I envision them (ha!)
watching: Olympics, Season 1 of Friends
wondering: how are you doing? ;)

Rainy day.

So as it turns out, after a frustrating few days of having my second interview rescheduled 2 or 3 times, the interview was cancelled altogether. Someone else internally took the job that was open. So no free mattress for me, sigh. I’m disappointed- to say the least- but I also know that I just have to continue to pray and hope in God. I feel like I’m back to square one.
This weekend was a mixed bag of experiences. Saturday I babysat, which is a rarity for me. Needless to say, I survived, although I was exhausted by the end of the day. I’m just not good with kids. I can’t see the perspective of raising children being a meaningful and kingdom-impacting vocation. I know it is the toughest job- hence why I recoil at the thought of it happening anytime soon- but I haven’t made the leap to seeing it as an enjoyable job. Guess God has his work cut out for me, haha. So anyway, why am I talking about this??
As for my Johnnie self, I am using my Greek NT at church, and it’s extremely helpful to follow along during Scripture readings. I can tell my memory is getting really refreshed. Maybe I can start bringing my Hebrew OT to church too, but I guess I need to figure out first how to navigate through it with ease. I’m not quite there yet; I’m slow with pronunciation, both aloud and reading silently. I really do miss language study, and the people I studied with (Laura! Anton!)… Plato’s Apology is still waiting for me to finish it….
Sunday we took the puppy dogs to Veterans Park, and we made the discovery that Leo likes to play in the water! This is contrary to Bailey’s disposition, but after our coaxing and Leo’s display of excitement, we got Bailey to cross the stream that Leo was romping around in. He weighs 21 lbs. now, and I can tell that he has definitely grown. I’ll post more photos if I get the chance.
Apartment hunting is slow and discouraging… and barely off the ground. There are not many places in my ideal price range, or in my ideal location. I wanted to be near downtown, or near the UK campus, so that I could walk to some places. Sort of like Annapolis, minus the water, the historicity, and my friends. Ok so not like Annapolis at all. (But at least I could be near a coffeeshop, used bookstore, restaurants, and a park. Better than nothing!) My second choice of location is to be near my church (which is not downtown), so that I could walk to church on Sundays and be close by to visit/help out. There is also a soccer field at my church, so that would be nice to visit during the week. (on a related note: I found a friend who wants to kick around with me. There might be soccer leagues in town, but I probably won’t join or look into it because I don’t have the time to commit to it. So kicking around is good enough for me; besides, it wouldn’t be the same without Mr. P!) There are a few apartment complexes near my church, but again, I’m not sure they are in the price range. Pickings are slim. It surprises me to learn that so many of the locations I’ve looked at are bad areas of town, with frequent break-ins and such. So hopefully I can stay away from all of that.
So I'm not feeling great. A bit stressed and overwhelmed. Definitely strained... and drained... and I'm not even working yet! Yikes. I used to think that talking to people cheered me up. Um, not so much. I don't know why. Oh well. Rain, rain, rainy mood, go away...

Waiting around

so just for an update, my two interviews on Monday went well, and I have a follow-up interview on one of the jobs Friday. So maybe I'll be working next week! On the one hand, this is exciting because I can finally get my own place/have money/etc, but on the other hand, it's a real, full-time, M-F, 9-5, job. I anticipate it will be a big adjustment long term. When it's not over in 3 months as I was used to during summers, it might get tougher for me. We'll see.
random note: I've been made aware that a lot of people are not familiar with blogs. So, if you didn't get to see the photos of Alyosha, you'll have to click on the link that says "Archive" and search for them. They were on the earliest posts. To comment, click on the link under each post that says "comments"- there is often a number if someone has already commented. You can read comments and add comments. Furthermore, check out www.blogger.com - the main site with lots of helpful information, I'm sure.
I just had *more* visitors this week! The LT/Deborah/Josh/Emily caravan of "Whistlin' Dixie 'o4" dropped in for the night on Monday. I initiated a few of them for the first time to the 24-hour Steak N Shake (http://www.steaknshake.com). Yay! Though this has been an eventful month with so many visitors, I'm pretty sure they were the last of the visitors for a long while... I expect to be going it alone for a while. Perhaps I can take a trip to Annapolis this fall...
In other news, I'm waiting around! and waiting... and waiting... and forcing myself to do painful things like shop for work clothes and deal with sorority girls mobbing downtown for rush at UK. I'm even watching TV- shocker!- but I guess the Olympics is a good reason. Yay for crashing at Karen and Chad's to have a TV to watch- and good timing to be there with the Olympics- but yay again that when I move out, I won't need to watch TV ever, ever again!! (slight exaggeration)

Kentuckians are confused; Photography excursion 1

The other day I was driving around Lexington with Jake who was visiting, and after being in this city for a while, I've come to the conclusion that Kentuckians are confused. We are not wholly backward people, we don't go around barefoot all the time, most of us have teeth, and not everyone has a bad redneck accent.... but we are confused. Just take a look at our street signs:
Mt. McKinley Way -- um, we're not Alaska guys
Camelot Dr., King Arthur Ct. -- and we're not in the Middle Ages
Then they place "Nantucket" right next to "Malabu" -- I wasn't aware that Massachusetts and California were next door neighbors.
Then there are the city names:
Versailles (pronounced Ver-SALES) -- we think we're French, but we sure can't speak French
Athens (pronoucned Ay- thens) -- so we're not Greek either...
Louisville (pronounced something like Loo-uh-vulle, but I'm still trying to figure that one out!) -- so apparently we liked King Louis from France, but again, butcher his name.
and then the infamous, "Man O War Blvd" -- yes, we pay tribute to a dead horse. A bigger, more infamous road in Lexington than "Martin Luther King Jr" got.
Anyone have favorite wacky Lexington street names? Maybe we are backwards... at least I'm not a native to this state... ;)

Photographed an old abandoned church overgrown by plants and weeds with busted windows and pews falling apart. (ironically, I shot the photos before going to church this morning) The window ledges were the new lair of spiders, plants had fought their way through cracked windows, the cross over the pulpit was missing the horizontal, and the stained glass windown of Jesus was faded and barely distinguishable. But a poster still hung on the walls proclaiming hope and unity, and a dusty, rotting hymnal lay open to the page about proclaiming the news to the Nations... just a little ironic. It was a good subject to shoot, but all the same, a bit depressing. I don't know the story behind the church, but I sure do wonder.

a little update: I'm progressing on my political science education. Good conversations with Jake and other friends this weekend, and I'm reading the paper when it's around, yipee. I've also been enjoying the Olympics, caught synchronized diving, swimming, and men's gymnastics yesterday.... pretty fun. I completely missed out on the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, couldn't tell you a thing about them, so this is fun for me to watch some of the events this year.
I also have two interviews tomorrow...

Whitesands

Whitesands
Originally uploaded by krisde.

Deborah and I on a sand dune at the White Sands in New Mexico.
Photo by Stuart

Mt. McKinley

Mt. McKinley
Originally uploaded by krisde.

A great shot of Mt. McKinley in Denali Nat'l Park, Alaska.
Photo by Stuart

Kristi the photographer

Kristi the photographer
Originally uploaded by krisde.

Hanging out in Alaska in foggy weather, taking some shots.
Photo by Stuart

Time, just some musings

Kudos to: Lisa for talking to me after she got off work even though it was late and she was tired; Anton for taking the time to call me last night out of the blue and talk; and Jake who is currently on a 36-hour bus ride from Santa Fe, NM to my hometown in KY to see me. (Now that’s sacrifice!) Thanks all, I feel loved! I’ve realized that when people go out of their way for me, and/or just want to connect with me, usually through conversation, I feel most appreciated. It’s as though the person is letting me know, hey, I talk to you because I value your ideas and thoughts, I ask you questions because I am genuinely interested in you and who you are, I want to spend time with you because you are fun or helpful or comforting or intelligent or…. When people take such a direct interest in me, I feel challenged to do the same, to show those I care about that I care about their being, and that they are more important than my own agenda, my own time.

Speaking of which… what, then, is time? ..... This topic began to captivate me a long time ago, and has recently been at the front of my mind due to a conversation with Deborah as we flew to Alaska together, and now due to the sermons I’ve been listening to at church. I reflected after my discussion with Deborah over 2 months ago that we as humans treat time as an inexhaustible resource. We have these colloquial phrases, like “spending time,” or “wasting time.” How can time be spent or wasted, as though it were currency or food? Yet we continue to think of time in terms of using, taking, seizing, and then losing, giving away, spending forever. The moment passes and in passing becomes past, old, no longer new. Can I ever savor time? Perhaps that is what eternity is all about, for time cannot exist (at least in the same state) in eternity. Time for humans is realized only because of death, a loss, a division, a separation, akin to sin. Death was the progeny of sin, per se, and thus time marks off the passing away of things- the death surrounding us. Yet death also abolishes that which has been corrupted (by sin). Time is known to us because of death, and is that which is lost, out of sight, no longer grasped, outrunning our memories and robbing them of the good no longer graspable. I cannot dwell in a moment, grasp it, nor savor it, for the moments are whizzing by and cannot be taken, and even my mind cannot contain them all. This feeling, of the ungraspable nature of time, and thus the impossibility of grasping the good and the true and the lovely moments of life, is but a shadow, a fallen, corrupted version of that was meant to be. Thus, perhaps in eternity, the good and true and lovely, the moments that we often define our lives by, are no longer moments, no longer fleeting, but reside and dwell and hang around to be reflected on, savored, enjoyed a million times over. For then, the good always is and is ever new! For what is new only has meaning by virtue of what is old and has passed, but if the old can no longer be made or come about, the new shall never pass! Truly, the old is gone and the new has then come!

Last Sunday at church, Pastor Roukas was preaching on the Upper Room discourse, from John 13. He reflected on other passages throughout the Gospels in which Jesus continually would say, “My time has not yet come…” It is not until John 12:20-23 and seen again in John 17:1 in which Jesus proclaims, “the time has come.” Paul reflects in Galatians that “in the fullness of time God sent His Son…” This is what I learned from what Pastor Roukas taught on: Jesus was clearly operating under the knowledge that his life was unfolding under the Father’s time table. He was confident that no one could interfere with the time of His Father. He was thus free to be bold, and able to resist pressure. Yet I operate too often on my own time table, and thus my soul will be disturbed because I do not know God’s time table. I may feel the pressure to get a job, or go to grad school, or get married, but these things are all foolish to try and orchestrate according to my own desires and my own timing… I need to wait for the perfect unfolding of God’s timing. Otherwise, yes, my soul will be disturbed, I will find myself downcast and cast down. What a liberating thought, for “My times are in Your hands, O God,” and what a liberating phrase!

And now for a random quote from Chad: “Lite Bright… it’s one big 4-hour post-it note.”

The past 24 hours

yesterday at this time found me shopping (gasp!) for clothes, followed by trekking over to TCPC(www.tcpca.org) for fun/fellowship/learning/hearing about Belarus (I'd love to go someday). I was out pretty late, meeting lots of new, single people (yay for single people!), eating ice cream and blueberry pie, and chatting about China. My puppy was missing me, so I came home... today: my first interview in Lexington! It was actually for a photographer's job... but... I'm not sure it will pay enough. I'm still in consideration... it would be fun at least. I'm fighting off the blues and getting hooked on this singer Paul Wright(www.paulwright.com), esp. his song "You're Beautiful" (just another reason you should check out my links on the sidebar- Air1 for starters).
btw- thanks for all the great links and comments! keep them coming...

just a note on comments

Incase you aren't a blogger user, I have switched the settings so you can post comments anyway ;) Though I recommend being a blogger user, it's fun...

Unlimited Internet! Politics!

So I now have at my disposal unlimited internet! Well... time-wise, but I still have to drive 20 minutes downtown. I am re-acquainting myself with the UK library after a leave of absence for four years. I spent many, many hours here doing research for my Senior AP English/Lit class in High School (thanks, Carla!)... that seems eons ago.
Not much news, except I'm doing research on politics. If anyone has recommendations for good resources so that I can bone up on my political knowledge, please let me know/pass them on. I have to fulfill my obligation to be an informed citizen and voter, thanks to the prodding of my friend Robert Paisley. I used to hate politics. (I'm still working through my dislike for the topic.) Politics has not always been my preferred topic of conversation, probably due to my lack of knowledge and therefore lack of strong, well-formed and developed opinions. So the times have called for a change! The past year I have decided to start reading the newspaper, my first step in becoming political savvy. I think I was inspired by my friend Neal Turnquist. He was a fixture on the St. John's campus my junior year, always sitting on the same bench on the quad near the steps to the coffeeshop, reading the paper every Sunday morning with a cup of a coffee and a cigarette. His presence on the quad could practically be counted on every week; I always knew where to find him if I needed him. After a road trip with him, I decided I needed to start reading the paper. I haven't been reading it consistently due to lack of funds, but thanks to a free subscription to Time magazine, I at least get some news from the articles.
I hope that through adequate research and good conversation from helpful, more informed friends, I can subdue and perhaps even exterminate my distaste for politics. I may always be frustrated by events and leaders and the negative side/sway of politics, but I hope to eventually find myself enjoying the topic for conversation. The result will be forthcoming...

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The tao of gardening

Recently, I have been passing my mornings and early afternoons getting my hands dirty. A wonderful friend (and a former high school teacher of mine) has enlisted my help to clean up her garden. The arrangement is convenient, for it is a way that we can both help one another. I give her my time and energy to do what she is unable to do with two small children to care for, and she pays me so I can eat and drive. But I’ll share a secret: I think I’m getting more out of this deal than she is. I say that because I am the one who gets to dig my hands into dirt and mulch, and disappear among the living, growing, green plants, breathing the fresh air they give off, and finding a feeling of renewal and rejuvenation growing inside of me. I watch as lily pad flowers unfold in the morning sun, and learn the names of beautiful flowers and plants. My favorites that are blooming in her garden right now are the Lord Baltimore Hibiscus and the large, purple Dahlias. It is not uncommon to discover a new flower or plant every day, or at least take notice of a feature or characteristic I had never observed before. Through my toil I suffer many bites from mosquitoes, who unfortunately like me too much to be put off by bug spray, and my arms become scratched and irritated from the thorny branches that graze my skin (people who look at my forearms probably think I mutilate myself, but I only have plants to blame). I gladly take these wounds of the toil, the sweat, and the fatigue brought on by the sun and humidity. Why? The answer is simply that I have come to love gardening over the past 8 years. I love to work with my hands, cultivate and create something beautiful. My friend’s garden is an already breath-taking space, but knowing that I have helped to keep it so, or perhaps improved upon its beauty, brings me joy and satisfaction. Working and bending and kneeling and digging and breathing in the midst of this living work of art- the garden- I find myself more peaceful even with the burdens that weigh on my mind and heart, the questions and struggles I face in this new landscape in my life. Songs have sometimes descended upon my tongue and voice and kept me company (not to mention the company of one little, eager black dog and one enormous, fluffy white dog who share the garden space with me). I’m grateful for this time, even if it occasionally tires me out too much or infringes on my time for job searching (still struggling with that, I must say).
Other noteworthy things: enjoyed a good Sunday-Sabbath, with a nice visit from Jackson and David Ferrell! Yay for visitors!

is unemployment blissful?

on the one hand, being unemployed is great. I can hang out with my dog and have time to train him (er, attempt to do so).  I can pick up odd jobs (like gardening) that I enjoy with no hesitation.  I can read all I want. (which is great when I'm focused!)  I can take random photography excursions.  I can go to the library in the middle of day when no one else is here and take forever writing this and making this blog. (ha.)  I'd say it's blissful.

On the other hand.  I have to read the classifieds. I have to look online when I'd rather be emailing.  I have to make a resume and send out applications. Write cover letters. And realize that there is nothing out there that looks appealing. Or, at least, I haven't found it yet.  So it's frustrating.  Not so blissful... the bliss is perhaps an illusion, a mist or fog that dissipates and leaves me with reality: I need money and a job to survive.  (Why must it be so?)  Or at least... in this country and culture and world I need money.

Good thing God has something planned for me.  and that I have hospitable family.  Too bad I haven't stumbled on the job for me yet, but in the meantime, the bliss is good, even if it's temporary, and the struggle through discouragement is character building and a learning experience.  (blah blah blah. we'll see.)

Two Pups become friends

Bailey (Karen and Chad's dog) and Leo hanging out on the couch

both dogs on couch2-web Originally uploaded by krisde.

Alyosha (a.k.a. Leo)

Photos for everyone! What fun! Check out my new hair, too... a whim before my road trip... Props to Genevieve Burbridge, master hair stylist and a great friend.

kristi2-web Originally uploaded by krisde.

Welcome

Hello from Kentucky, ya'll!
Here I will begin an easy way to get updates on my life after St. John's.  I found it nearly impossible to consistently email/write/call everyone that I want to keep in touch with, but I thought that at least I can provide a quick way to keep everyone posted on my life.
News since graduation:
Attended Laura Mangum's wedding (now, Laura Moore!) and it was-of course-beautiful.
Departed with Deborah Mangum and Stuart Bannan on a 4 week road trip from Anchorage, Alaska to Kentucky. Stops included Calgary, Montana (Glacier Nat'l Park was awesome), Utah (Salt Lake City and too many Nat'l Parks to list), Vegas, Arizona (Grand Canyon), New Mexico (Santa Fe, White Sands, Roswell), Texas (Austin, Dallas), Louisianna (Shreveport to see Elizabeth Dillon, New Orleans), Florida (Pensacola to see Fred Neubert, Destin), Alabama (Birmingham to see my relatives), Tennessee (Nashville to see Rob Benning), and then home sweet home in Lexington.
I am still unemployed- argh- and living with my sister Karen and brother-in-law Chad.  I also got a puppy! He's very cute, only 4 months old, and I named him Alyosha (a la Brothers K). I call him Leo for short.
Well that is all for now, but check back for more posts soon!