It is hard to believe that it is September already. Summer gone by, the academic year has begun, and I’m not a part of it. I hear snippets during phone calls of life for friends still at college, but so much remains distant and unknown for me, and it is hard feeling connected anymore.

Funny, over a week has gone by without me being able to post any comments on my blog, but when it comes down to it, I’m not sure I have anything to really share. Blame it on my present zombie-state that has taken hold of me the past two days, thanks to an adorable but troublesome dog who enjoyed waking me up every 30-60 minutes all night long. My mind feels like mush. Or maybe I’m drawing a blank in my mind based on the fact that I’ve been spending many minutes and hours learning and re-learning some computer programs (and zoning out in front of the computer’s glow) that frankly bore me and frustrate me- it’s like a snooze button is being pushed inside my brain over and over again. Then again, I could blame my uninspired mind on feeling that I am becoming a part of the rat race, the working world, as I’ve taken on a few temporary jobs, requiring long commutes, taking place in small cubicles and enclosed office spaces, dealing with paper jams and co-worker tensions, and now facing the prospect that tomorrow I may start a job that could hold me indefinitely. But surely I’ve been wanting and praying for this, right?? A full-time job, that pays well, and has the possibility of becoming a permanent, salaried position with benefits?? Well, “want” is a bit relative here… I “want” this insofar as I need it or can’t come up with any better alternatives. I don’t want it insofar as I miss being a student, with flexible schedules and work schedules that I can make on my own, miss being excited about how I get to spend my day… I know I am not alone in this feeling, that every person’s place in life has its ups and downs, so it is not as though everything would ever be solved by a job change, relocation, or by going backward or forward in time. The challenge- I am proposing- is not so much as to feel that my job or life is meaningful, but to make it so. This is a hefty task however. I can’t seem to come up with anything meaningful to share with my closest family and friends on this blog about my entire last week, and yet I have to create around me a sense of purpose in every menial task. Sometimes it can only be found in the encouragement to do all for the glory of God. But even here, the backbone and foundation of everything I do in my life, the one thing that should always exist even if I think in my own mind that my work is boring or unfulfilling or meaningless… how do I regain the sense that punching numbers into a computer is actually meaningful and a part of God’s plan? This comes to mind because the pastor at my church Sunday morning addressed this very issue. He spoke on the work(s) of God (psalms 111, 145). This applies to us since we are His creation, for we can join Him in His plans and works… but I suppose I’m back where I started, since I may never get a glimpse of how working on a computer is actually accomplishing something in God’s purposes. I have to trust it is doing something for someone somewhere, and that this is meaningful enough. Again, a hefty task. It will require some big perspective-adjustment I think and it won’t come easy.
I’m realizing also that there are different people suited for different things, or rather, I'm finding where I may fall. I worked in a bank one summer, filing all day in the basement, occasionally labeling folders. I knew after that summer that the one thing I took away from that job was the certainty that this was not what I wanted to do ever again. By “this” I did not mean simply filing all day. Not simply working in a basement all day. I meant working in an office, in a business, interacting with computers and papers all day. Instead, I wanted to work with people, conversing, learning, encouraging. I didn’t see myself doing this to help others physically (like medicine, though apparently a lot of people think I should do this, very strange), but more on a spiritual and/or intellectual level. Yet *somehow*, three years after that summer, I find myself back there again, back with the this of my past, because this is the only thing I can do that can support me and cover my living expenses. why oh why did I take a year off? (probably still a good decision, but I have my moments of doubt is all...)
CONCLUSION: realizing how the fallen world affects my daily seemingly menial existence is taxing. Thank God for freedom—if only I could exercise my freedom in a direction…
For me, I long to find an answer to the question of “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m supposed to be there. I’m supposed to be taking action. But desire needs to precede action, thus I have to wait and wait and wait …..