oww my side is hurting...

... in a good way.
thanks Rachel & Heidi... haven't laughed that hard in a long while.

yesterday was FREE BURRITO day at Chipotle on Limestone. Limestone is right by UK. I headed over there straight after work for a couple reasons
1. I couldn't go at lunch
2. I already had dinner plans so I had to make it fast
3. I'm poor and like free food and the 12 minute drive out of my way was worth a free lunch & dinner that I saved for today

that's right... I spent 30 minutes waiting for a free burrito and drink only to not eat it and take it home so I could enjoy it for lunch today.... mmmm. This also allowed me to post-pone my grocery shopping until tonight because I loathe grocery shopping and any chance to post-pone or forget I have to do it is a good thing in my book.

What I wasn't counting on was another odd experience as I waited in line at the Chipotle.

I am downtown, in the midst of a very large university, so naturally, who is getting free burritos? Poor college students. (Wait a second. That's me, right??) There was the wake up call. I should feel right at home in that group of people. It should feel normal. It should feel comfortable.

It didn't.

There are a couple reasons I concluded. First of all, I was straight off of work, and by myself. Most of these people were straight out of class and in large clumps of friends. I was wearing black dress pants, heels, and a string of pearls. The girls I saw were wearing jeans and t-shirts, baring midriff at times, with either sneakers or flip-flops, and inevitably, with a cell phone glued to their ear. Now, I do wear jeans and t-shirts and flip flops and on occasion some may spot me with a cell phone on my ear. Doubt anyone will be seeing my midriff, but hey, in other respects, I do at times look like them. But the fact is, at this moment, I didn't, and I was clearly sending forth a "I'm not a student" look, which is I know probably irrelevant to everyone that was around me, and obviously was not intentional for any reason, it was just coincidence given when I decided to go to the Chipotle.

When I became aware that I wasn't feeling particularly a part of this group (I hesitate to say "generation" because really, I'm still there...), it made me feel strangely, as in, I have to stand tall and live up to my business attire with a mature, older, working woman sort of stance and carry myself fittingly and appropriately. Fact is, I'd rather have just broken into conversation with the nice looking guy in front of me with his jeans rolled up to mid calf, pen over the ear, toting his backpack and bike in line, who flashed me a million dollar smile when I told him I wouldn't make him lose his spot in line while he locked his bike up. Almost made me feel like I didn't stand out, despite my weird strange feelings which perhaps were really just insecurities.

I look at the young working people around me. There are a few in my office who I know. Lots of young working women end up with young working men in the same office. Makes sense, you work together, that's how a lot of people meet, at a job. Seriously now, I have no desire to meet my future husband at my place of work. Correction: at my current place of work. I'm here because I'm a lost soul who hasn't a clue where else to be or where else I even could be. But that other person, most likely, is A-OK with working here. May even be happy. I just can't relate to that. Or so my narrow-focused mind is thinking. Yea, I'll work on that.

I'll work on a lot of things. Because I'm struggling to "feel alright"... makes me think this "feeling alright" and "contentment" stuff might be a bit off target. Do I really want to limit myself, restrain, be satisfied with no desire for something more?? Absolutely not. I'm starting to see a flip side to this "contentment" deal. There's the "contentment" that means, I'm happy, and then there's the contentment that says, I need nothing more. I am pulling away from this latter sense and asserting that I need to strive for something more. Striving for something more is one of the prized and valued qualities I find in other individuals, and my future husband has got to have it.

"There's gotta be something more, than what I'm living for, I'm crying out to You..."