Contemplating

“If you asked twenty good men today what they thought the hightest of the virtues, nineteen of them would reply, Unselfishness. But if you had asked almost any of the great Christians of old, he would have replied, Love. You see what has happened? A negative term has been substituted for a postitive, and this is of more than philological importance. The negative idea of Unselfishness carries with it the suggestion not primarily of securing good things for others, but of going without them ourselves, as if our abstinence and not their happiness was the important point. I do not think this is the Christian virtue of Love… If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith… it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak… We are far too easily pleased.” –selections from the beginning of The Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis

Whatever my lot... It is well with my soul. (and following: Confessions of a Photography Purist)

What can I say? A lot has happened I suppose. News about my job: looks like it will be lasting a while. At least 90 days, with the possibility of turning permanent with benefits after that. The job as a job is ok, I enjoy my co-workers, my supervisors are nice and sometimes actually overly attentive, I feel like I am truly helping people by listening to them relay the damage that has occurred to their homes since the hurricanes in FL, helping them move closer to rebuilding their homes and lives. With news of this hopeful stability with my job, I submitted an application for an apartment located halfway between work and family, and very close to my church. It is within walking distance to a park, a waffle house, and a public library. What more could I ask for? They also have swimming pools and tennis courts. The apartment itself is sort of small, a bedroom, bathroom, living room, and kitchen, with a small balcony off the living room. But it is more than enough for me and Leo. If all goes well, I’ll be starting the move-in this first weekend in October. On top of all this, however, I have had to deal with some incredibly distressing news in my church these past 5 days. (For those who pray: I covet your prayers for my church in Lexington.) I’m a bit tired from thinking about having to buy so many things for my new home, and the toll it is taking and will continue to take on my finances. (Though, all the same, some purchases are fun. Pier1 was having a sale- one of my favorite stores- and I bought 4 wine glasses. So many of you must be so proud, ha! I also got a big deep skillet… stir fry… omelettes… mmm.) I am struggling still about the year after this one, where I should be or go or what I should do. Seminary looks like it is getting pushed further and further away into the future. Yet in all this, in all the change and uncertainty, I can still say, it is well with my soul. (Selah.)

Other news: puppy chews up the cord on my iron in 6 places… wreaking havoc one step at a time… keeping me tired one bark and whine in the middle of the night at a time… (i'm making it sound worse than it is...)
Football: disappointments on almost every front. UK loses, VT loses… at least we expected it from UK… and at least Auburn looks like they’re doing ok… College football is the only televised sport I muster some enthusiasm for. I anticipate being pushed into enthusiasm again this fall and winter for UK basketball… at least they’re good and merit the enthusiasm.

As far as pictures go, as they have been requested: I hope to comply with the request soon, I am anxious to post some myself, for I enjoy sharing my artwork and giving you all closer glimpses of my life. Yet there are a few reasons for the delay. One: I don’t have a digital camera. Two: I have access to a scanner since I don’t have a digital camera, but the scanner is not mine and I don’t know how to work it and am awaiting instruction and available free time to do the scanning. The whole digital or non-digital debate has been, honestly, of minor importance to me. I just ignore digital for the most part, for I am pleased and content with my 35mm SLR film cameras and I love getting into the darkroom (... how I miss the darkroom at St. John's, even with all its pitfalls, shabby equipment, lack of adequate facilities... at least it was something, and it was a home for me senior year). There is really no competition in my mind. But where the change has occurred (don’t go thinking I’m selling out… at least not completely…) is that I know the sheer convenience of digital. Like posting pictures to my blog, emailing to friends, and saving the money of developing. Nothing will compare to being in a black and white darkroom and manipulating your own negative you developed and handled with your own hands, controlling every detail… with a trained eye and not just a trained mouse-clicking index finger. But digital can compete (some) in quality, and of course the convenience appeal I already mentioned. Thus… I am contemplating buying one. I am also contemplating upgrading my SLR cameras. (I really want a Nikon. They are the best.) But with digital, I don’t want something that’s low-quality… I would want a high-end digital camera to make the purchase and integration of the digital world worth it. But… my finances might not allow me for a while… we’ll see. So... it may be a while before you see pictures on here… but I’ll work on it.

wisdom speaks

I cannot refute you, Socrates, said Agathon: Let us assume that what you say is true.

Say rather, Agathon, that you cannot refute the truth; for Socrates is easily refuted.

-the Symposium

It's my second day on a new job... it's going ok right now, lots of down time because we're in an office that isn't up and running yet. Not sure if this could become permanent, but perhaps, and perhaps I'd stick around to stay on... more to follow...

It is hard to believe that it is September already. Summer gone by, the academic year has begun, and I’m not a part of it. I hear snippets during phone calls of life for friends still at college, but so much remains distant and unknown for me, and it is hard feeling connected anymore.

Funny, over a week has gone by without me being able to post any comments on my blog, but when it comes down to it, I’m not sure I have anything to really share. Blame it on my present zombie-state that has taken hold of me the past two days, thanks to an adorable but troublesome dog who enjoyed waking me up every 30-60 minutes all night long. My mind feels like mush. Or maybe I’m drawing a blank in my mind based on the fact that I’ve been spending many minutes and hours learning and re-learning some computer programs (and zoning out in front of the computer’s glow) that frankly bore me and frustrate me- it’s like a snooze button is being pushed inside my brain over and over again. Then again, I could blame my uninspired mind on feeling that I am becoming a part of the rat race, the working world, as I’ve taken on a few temporary jobs, requiring long commutes, taking place in small cubicles and enclosed office spaces, dealing with paper jams and co-worker tensions, and now facing the prospect that tomorrow I may start a job that could hold me indefinitely. But surely I’ve been wanting and praying for this, right?? A full-time job, that pays well, and has the possibility of becoming a permanent, salaried position with benefits?? Well, “want” is a bit relative here… I “want” this insofar as I need it or can’t come up with any better alternatives. I don’t want it insofar as I miss being a student, with flexible schedules and work schedules that I can make on my own, miss being excited about how I get to spend my day… I know I am not alone in this feeling, that every person’s place in life has its ups and downs, so it is not as though everything would ever be solved by a job change, relocation, or by going backward or forward in time. The challenge- I am proposing- is not so much as to feel that my job or life is meaningful, but to make it so. This is a hefty task however. I can’t seem to come up with anything meaningful to share with my closest family and friends on this blog about my entire last week, and yet I have to create around me a sense of purpose in every menial task. Sometimes it can only be found in the encouragement to do all for the glory of God. But even here, the backbone and foundation of everything I do in my life, the one thing that should always exist even if I think in my own mind that my work is boring or unfulfilling or meaningless… how do I regain the sense that punching numbers into a computer is actually meaningful and a part of God’s plan? This comes to mind because the pastor at my church Sunday morning addressed this very issue. He spoke on the work(s) of God (psalms 111, 145). This applies to us since we are His creation, for we can join Him in His plans and works… but I suppose I’m back where I started, since I may never get a glimpse of how working on a computer is actually accomplishing something in God’s purposes. I have to trust it is doing something for someone somewhere, and that this is meaningful enough. Again, a hefty task. It will require some big perspective-adjustment I think and it won’t come easy.
I’m realizing also that there are different people suited for different things, or rather, I'm finding where I may fall. I worked in a bank one summer, filing all day in the basement, occasionally labeling folders. I knew after that summer that the one thing I took away from that job was the certainty that this was not what I wanted to do ever again. By “this” I did not mean simply filing all day. Not simply working in a basement all day. I meant working in an office, in a business, interacting with computers and papers all day. Instead, I wanted to work with people, conversing, learning, encouraging. I didn’t see myself doing this to help others physically (like medicine, though apparently a lot of people think I should do this, very strange), but more on a spiritual and/or intellectual level. Yet *somehow*, three years after that summer, I find myself back there again, back with the this of my past, because this is the only thing I can do that can support me and cover my living expenses. why oh why did I take a year off? (probably still a good decision, but I have my moments of doubt is all...)
CONCLUSION: realizing how the fallen world affects my daily seemingly menial existence is taxing. Thank God for freedom—if only I could exercise my freedom in a direction…
For me, I long to find an answer to the question of “what do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m supposed to be there. I’m supposed to be taking action. But desire needs to precede action, thus I have to wait and wait and wait …..

revelation

i had a revelation a little earlier today... I have been suffering from ennui !

(oh, the horror, the horror...!)

sailing, sailing home

so i didn't go sailing today, and I didn't go rowing, but I did have some fun on the water again. I do miss the water in Annapolis. Driving a pontoon boat on a lake in North Carolina is nothing like the challenge to send your own sculling boat across the choppy Severn by sheer muscle strength and adrenaline, or nothing like the pressure of navigating a sailboat through the changing tides and winds, getting over 45 degrees in keel as you lean your torso off the side to balance and steady the boat as you try to maintain the fastest point... but zipping across the water in a big, bulky boat is not too bad as a second runner up. You get the spray of the water in your face, you can watch the water fly up in semi circles beside the boat and glimpse a rainbow that seems just out of grasp a foot under the surface from the way the spray catches the sunlight. Or you can lay on a raft and use your arms like oars and paddle around at eye level to the water. In other words, you can experience fun and relaxation on the water... water sports for the not-so-rich-and-famous, lazier middle class Americans that we are.
I do miss the challenge of being a skillful rower and sailor, to go faster, drive harder, and the sweat that slides down your face as a validation of a good workout. But ending the summer on a lake in a more relaxed setting is nice too. Somehow, sailing on a lake doesn't appeal to me. I know it is virtually the same thing as sailing on a river or on a bay, but just knowing that you can't go anywhere, you literally are confined on all sides by the boundaries of land, makes sailing less thrilling. Even if I never went further than city dock in Annapolis sailing, just knowing that the river emptied into this enormous bay, with so much possibility to explore and find and encounter, and not being hedged in by huge lake-side houses for the on-the-fringe-of-the-rich-and-famous folk... makes sailing at least feel more freeing and adventuresome. On a lake, I feel like sailing is simply for those who just have a lot of money to throw around and buy a boat. It's not like they are ever going anywhere. Or that they'll ever be skillful sailors. I'm sure there's some, but mostly it feels more empty. At least with a pontoon boat, which may give you the impression from the exterior of being some jungle-safari boat, you know it's all about the horsepower and speed, zipping across the waves and racing other boats (as if you could really do that in a pontoon boat)... no illusion here of being a wealthier-than-thou, better-than-thou waterman because of a souped up sailboat. Pfsh. On the lake, it's speed and nothing else. I'm pretty much convinced.

yay for holidays that make for long weekends.