isn't it interesting how no one knows if i exist- that is, am present- or not
i posted the lyrics to 'life and love and why' because they have struck me recently. particularly of late it has been 'this monstrosity... cause my futile thinking's/not gonna solve/nothing tonight'
i find myself getting in a pattern of futile thinking. i wander in my wondering about the who's and the what's (and the when's) of my future (props to Derek Webb) and neglect to abide in Him. the largest plague that has blackened my thoughts is where do i go from here? why, i wonder, do i feel no direction or passion or interest above and beyond the normal interests of hobbies and novelties and typical pursuits of a college grad, or a Johnnie? besides reading and photography and writing and conversing and traveling... i have nothing. it's a waiting game i don't like, because i call it a game when it's not, it's the life that i am leading. i'm not a set of dice, rolling on chance, perhaps snake eyes, odds or evens, because this is not reality. but it feels like reality most days when i wake up. somedays, the unpredictability is thrilling, otherdays only frustrating. sight and knowledge 'through a glass darkly' is that way i guess.
but then there is the bliss... life can be new... and, perhaps, the wander in wondering should cease, and transform to fixated wonder on the Wonderful.
(perhaps i find that logical conclusion, but i can't always live out my logic)
I also posted those lyrics because Switchfoot rocks my world on a regular basis, and here is proof.
by love.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
isn't it interesting
Posted by Kristi at 11:08 AM
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3 comments:
I am curious as to why you think no one notices if you exist or not... is it simply because no one commented on your post? If that were the case I would feel especially poor about my photoblog, considering I've gotten about 5 comments ever! Just a thought.
And if you want a small thing to consider in your thoughts on "direction" - perhaps the trouble lies not in the lack of passion but untapped passion. Perhaps you cannot, will not, find your passion until you take steps to try something. In illustration, you must put your toes in the water, so to speak. Begin to try something new, not necessarily through diving full-body in, but in moving from dry land into water. Moving back out when the tides do not flow in the right direction, but try wading in from another point. But if you only sit on the shore pondering the water, you might never find a love for swimming and think the unknowing is daunting and the water appears dull.
my first line to this post would be lost unless you read the comments on the previous post. it was a joke. i don't guess you found the humor though.
i see your analogy sis, however, i feel such is already being done. that's what weekends and evenings are for, right? i believe you have said as much yourself. there seems there should be clues along the path all the same...
"Not all who wander are lost." --Tolkien
I'd like to say something encouraging, but that was the best I could come up with. I'm prayin' for your direction. One of these days you'll roll a two hundred billion kajillion, and of course it won't be chance.
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