It was depressing.

isn't it interesting

isn't it interesting how no one knows if i exist- that is, am present- or not

i posted the lyrics to 'life and love and why' because they have struck me recently. particularly of late it has been 'this monstrosity... cause my futile thinking's/not gonna solve/nothing tonight'
i find myself getting in a pattern of futile thinking. i wander in my wondering about the who's and the what's (and the when's) of my future (props to Derek Webb) and neglect to abide in Him. the largest plague that has blackened my thoughts is where do i go from here? why, i wonder, do i feel no direction or passion or interest above and beyond the normal interests of hobbies and novelties and typical pursuits of a college grad, or a Johnnie? besides reading and photography and writing and conversing and traveling... i have nothing. it's a waiting game i don't like, because i call it a game when it's not, it's the life that i am leading. i'm not a set of dice, rolling on chance, perhaps snake eyes, odds or evens, because this is not reality. but it feels like reality most days when i wake up. somedays, the unpredictability is thrilling, otherdays only frustrating. sight and knowledge 'through a glass darkly' is that way i guess.

but then there is the bliss... life can be new... and, perhaps, the wander in wondering should cease, and transform to fixated wonder on the Wonderful.
(perhaps i find that logical conclusion, but i can't always live out my logic)

I also posted those lyrics because Switchfoot rocks my world on a regular basis, and here is proof.

Life and Love and Why

Life and love and why
Child, adult, then die
All of your hoping and
All of your searching
For what
Ask me for what am I
Living or what gives
Me strength
That I'm willing to die for

Take away from me
This monstrosity
Cause my futile thinking's
Not gonna solve
Nothing tonight
Ask me for what am I
Living or what gives
Me strength
That I'm willing to die for
Could it be this
Could this be bliss
Could it be all that I
Ever had missed
Could it be true
Can life be new
And can I be used
Can I be used

Give me a reason for life
And for death
And a reason for
Drowning while I hold
My breath
Something to laugh at a
Reason to cry
With everyone hopeless
And hoping for something
To hope for
Yeah, with something
To hope for

Could it be true
Can life be new
Could it be all that I am
Is in You
Could it be this
Could it be bliss
Can it be You
Can it be You

-Switchfoot