flux, influx

there is a fair amount of flux going on in my life right now. Friends returning to KY, friends leaving KY, making new friends in KY, visiting old friends in other states. Helping my sister and a few other friends move, preparing to move myself in 2 months, moving into a new church building. Helping to plan a friend's fall wedding, getting ready to take pictures at a second wedding. Getting more money, getting rid of a lot of money. Acquiring more possessions, giving away more possessions. Content and happy one moment, dejected and confused the next. These fluctuations are fairly normal, but they're all happening at once and thus make them seem abnormal or more intense.

i think i'd rather be a mother than an admin coordinator at valvoline
i think i'd rather be a grad student than a mother
i think i'd rather be a traveling vagabond than a grad student
i think i'd rather do something truly meaningful and fulfilling than be a vagabond.

*yes, i know i'm ridiculous! i hear it every day!

what interesting things have been happening?? well... got my fifth request to be a bridesmaid! wahoo! yay lizzy & james! i have taken to going on late night jogs with Alyosha, and it feels great. i just bought myself a set of dumbells and am really enjoying working out again. i've been writing bad poetry. i've been having challenging theological discussions. i went to see As You Like It and Fiddler on the Roof at the Lexington Shakespeare Festival. i discovered a new fun coffee shop downtown. i bought a plane ticket to Pensacola.
all pretty exciting stuff.

i think one of the more difficult, surprisingly so, things about post-college life is the tension of making [executive] decisions and having others look in on your decisions and pass judgment on them simply because the decisions being made may seem ridiculous or unwise or uncomfortable for those who used to influence or approve or disapprove of your decisions. this is not just family. this is also friends and acquaintances. and the one side of my brain says, they have a good point there, maybe i should listen to their advice. and the other side of my brain says, come on now, do what you feel led to do and do it without second guessing yourself or don't let anyone else make you feel inferior or foolish for what you resolved to do.
the other tension is having decisions to make that i don't feel led in any direction and then i do run around like a chicken with its head cut off wondering what the heck i am going to do, and having no where or no one to go to for trusted advice. Sometimes I wish for the words of certain individuals, who, inevitably, I cannot go to for advice or who I have lost touch with for various reasons and am reminded again of this influx of people, in and out of life... valued and treasured one day, gone and unheard of the next...

how about haikus...?

III.b
Wind so proud
Rocking and tossing
The mast’s shroud

V.b
Cicadas echo
Whirring, whistling suddenly
Surround me and cease

VI.a
Orange leaves, red
Sinking beyond grasp
Oar of lead

VI.c
Silent oars sweeping
Skimming, lengthening to grasp
Orange leaves, red, sinking