annapolis, adventure...

I’m thinking about my trip to Annapolis. So much to say... because I feel so much. But what can I say to convey what I feel? I fear I will say much too superfluous, much too inaccurate, much too insufficient. There are a lot of neat places in this world, in this country. Some are little apple orchards down a windy dirt path, others are metropolises across oceans wide. I think each and every place you can find charm and something appealing. Just some places possess these qualities more than others. There are many reasons I love Annapolis, and many reasons I don’t care for it. I think that in the end the good outweighs the bad for me. Now take Lexington: I came here, by choice. Perhaps here too the good outweighs the bad, but sometimes I find myself in doubt.

I am a wanderer, and yet, desire constancy. Yet my current job and current living situation are not examples of the sort of constancy I crave. I crave constancy in relationships. Or: I don’t like feeling lonely and detached. I felt (feel?) this way about those I graduated with and those I left behind still in study at St. John’s (or elsewhere for that matter). I think I’m suffering from a Johnnie complex- feeling like I’ve found the individuals that mean the most to me, who I enjoy the most, am impacted by the most, and thus not particularly caring to go through the hard process of meeting new people, forging new friendships… I used to feel like befriending everyone. This is still true to a certain extent, and yet, at the same time I feel like I’ve found those who I will let inside my crazy and impassioned mind and heart and soul and that is enough for me, I am pleased, I am content, and I am inwardly groaning because I am physically absent from these wonderful people. Naturally, I don’t want to limit the possibilities of meeting new people who can in the future, down the road, whether I see it or want it or expect it now, greatly impact my life, perhaps equally so or exceeding the impact of those I feel closest to currently. I obviously don’t want to be a snob and slight the rest of the world just because I’m happy… perhaps I can be a blessing to others… but am I so far wrong in my complex to think that it is natural and desirable to have the fellowship and friendship of a select group of individuals, for how can I be close to everyone? I can tirelessly keep on sharing the main focus of my heart – for this is about treasuring the gospel – but I tire quickly of saying so many things to so many, and all the while, craving the words and presence of one of the few that I miss most. Such people (and here, on this comment, I am broadening this group beyond St. John’s, including others from other times and places who would still fall into this category, some who are very close and dear to me)- such people, I would call soul friends. There is enough commonality- shared faith and passions and interests – and enough to separate us and make us good complements in friendship, seeing each other’s faults, loving each other despite them, sharing and expressing the differing interests and opinions in an arena of mutual and equally attuned interest and captivation. This is done on a smaller, less significant, less intensely focused arena with new friends, and then, the old who may have drifted away.

So being in Annapolis was like "balm to my soul" and yet, in lifting my spirits to soaring heights and peaceful joy, made the descent more rapid, peeling away at my heart, leaving a piece behind somewhere in the shadows of goodbye, for this is not my world now. The entire time, though, God was gracious and providential, naturally: spending time with certain individuals I didn’t expect to and having it be a great blessing; letting me have more down time for conversation that was focused on more than just catching up; reminding me that perhaps I am not forgotten by select few even if the year goes on without me in a place I am no longer.

Back to the nature of place. I’ve always been a bit – oh what’s the word- annoyed? Perplexed? Exasperated? – by people asking upon coming to a new place: "what’s there to do here?" I mean, this is America, it’s not some foreign culture. Every place- virtually- has its chain restaurants, movie theaters, suburbs, malls, bowling alleys, coffee shops. Some more than others, some better than others. So what do these people mean when they ask, what’s there to do around here? As if adventure and fun came by only "doing things" on one’s free time, and those things being mainly in the line of entertainment. Perhaps I’m alone here (but I suspect not) when I say that the adventures in life are created, encountered and not simply "done" for entertainment value. (or, for sheer "sensationalism," a dangerous thing to be drawn to I think as an end in itself, often referred to as adventure but I think quite different…)

What is adventure anyway? Being the first person to accomplish something, like climbing Mt Everest, or setting world records? Is adventure always spontaneous? Does adventure require other individuals? Is adventure doing something out of the ordinary in general, or out of the ordinary for you? Does it mean we have to leave our homes, move, go somewhere? (how funny it is that this whole train of thought- almost unrelated to my trip to Annapolis itself- was but evoked from one conversation while I was in Annapolis. I was criticized for lacking adventure in my life, and now I have to seriously weigh this in my mind… the individual undoubtedly spoke out of care for me, desiring I have more adventure in my life, and yet, ouch!, I must earnestly ask and evaluate, is my life lacking adventure?!? What does this mean?)

Adventure. Advent- to begin something, the mark of something new. Advent season- the time to celebrate the coming of a new covenant, a new life, a new time for God and men on earth. Anticipation. Excitement. Uncertainty. Might adventure also possess such qualities? Adventure being something not encapsulated in one event, but being perhaps actually an unfolding of that great dream I referred to earlier, that unfolding made up of moments, and each moment building, transforming the entire canvas of perspective and future. I did a lot of silly things in high school to pass the time, to have fun on the weekends. But for all the silly things I did, very few would fall under adventure for me. And here I am: struck now by the fact that I am in One Great Adventure known as History in the Making, the Unfolding of the Universe and the Plan of its Creator. But what of my personal, smaller scale, reflective adventures? By splashing paint on a wall, is this adventure? By splashing paint on a wall I may just be ushering in a new perspective, painting that canvas another color, not settling for the present, the mundane. Aha!- striving for something more. And here I touch upon a concept that is dear to me... The need, the passion, the drive to always strive, eagerly, hopefully, for more- of sucking the marrow out of life perhaps? But even such imagery is weak for my passions- for delving inside is only half of the story, it’s also reaching beyond the starlit sky to the Infinite and Eternal Joy and Love… And then again, reaching outside to others, concerned not simply about getting the most out of my life, but helping someone else get the most out of theirs as well. Personally, in the quiet of a room, in the sweat running down one’s face from a dance that can’t be danced enough, the words streaming from a pen onto a page expressing one’s thoughts for someone or no one but oneself, and yes, in the embrace or holding of a hand, an intent gaze of eyes that see more than color and dimension, or the connection of minds, which may capture a glimmer, or substance, of dreams and hopes and feelings and thoughts.

And yet… isn’t there more adventure when some things are concealed and hidden until the proper time, finding adventure in the waiting room, and not simply having the adventure descend when the waiting room is over… this is about the idea of making our adventure, adventures not being a culmination per se, but more than a culmination. But I do think adventures are meant to be shared, whether with God or spouse or friend. Because then the drive and the ideas do not stem from one alone, but spontaneity, inspiration, and surprise result. Surprise often leads to adventure I think, or is the result of adventure. Not to mention- risk. Risking your thoughts, your heart, whether sky diving or writing a sonnet for someone dear to you- though unbeknownst (for a second I thought I just made up a word, but rest assured, it is in the dictionary) to them. (Here, I touch upon the fact that there are immoral adventures- like risking purity or marriage by physical intimacy with someone else - and then the amoral adventures- ones that are not wrong, but perhaps do not have anything particularly virtuous about them, like travel. I don’t know if such a thing as a moral adventure exists, but I am confident that the immoral adventures do exists- perhaps these would only be considered actual adventures to those who are blind to the questionable nature of the "adventure.")

The easiest adventure involves leaving one’s usual place- travel for instance, seeing sights and climbing new heights and depths and crossing new miles. My 20,000 miles of driving around this continent and 8 and a half weeks of backpacking in another continent were the easy adventures. The difficult adventures must be created when there is the constancy of place that is less than desirable- my current situation, life and job. Can I help having to be "tied down" in some respects? Life requires that I abide by certain rules- the need for money, for example, to get food and shelter; that I must pay off my college debt, or pay rent; that I work for that money to do these things. I cannot run free, not nearly as free in time or even choices that I felt I had in college. Sure, I could be a vagrant, be homeless, but this would be incredibly irresponsible and my conscience (among others factors) obviously prevents it. So if I work 9-5, 40 hour weeks, is my life adventureless? I do not think so, but it is challenging, and I still feel that I am in a conundrum of sorts, still wondering on the nature of this thing. I won’t pay you for your thoughts, but if you have them to share publicly or privately, I would be most interested. Where do you find adventure? Or: how do you create adventure? Or could it really be simply an arrival, like Advent season/Christmas, something one does not seek out?

In the spirit of thanksgiving.
-I am thankful, very thankful, for life and love and light.
-For grace, the limitless resources that my Father possesses, and my greatest teacher, His Son.
-For community, family, friends, laughter shared, when eye contact makes a difference.
-For hospitality, meals that can be shared.
-For kind words, prayers, actions that speak louder than words, those who go the extra mile (or two or three…) and often go that mile unnoticed or unthanked.
-Spiritual freedom, physical freedom.
-Phone calls out of the blue, letters, visits, those who remember the "important" but especially the seemingly not-so-important details about me
-that love and grace and kindness are contagious
today specifically: safe travel to work, Alyosha being so cute, friends from church to see and study with tonight, eating lots of ice cream for dinner and not being sick the next morning ;) (thanks karen and chad, it is good to remember I am but a child of God)

moments

I have many thoughts and reflections on my weekend in Annapolis. I miss it very much. "It" being both town and people, college and tutors, not to mention, the darkroom. But I will reflect some more and post about it at a later date.

I've had some conversations and read other's reflections about this phase in many of our lives- post- college, pre- our ideal career. And after hearing this song this morning, I thought I'd share some of its lyrics. It is good to realize that though there are many question marks, though I feel so easily defeated and downtrodden, some of the most important and altering moments in our lives are small and seemingly insignificant- they are moments, not one single grand unfolding of a great dream. I need to think on this more. Even if I seldom feel it.
on another note: the leaves of the captivating marvel of a tree by my apartment building were strewn along the ground.... alas, alack. But Christmas is approaching. I've had Joy to the World in my head since June. It'll be nice to sing it in church and with others, songs that should be sung year-round.

The Power of a Moment, selected lyrics by Chris Rice

What am I gonna be when I grow up?
How am I gonna make my mark in history?
And what are they gonna write about me when I’m gone?
These are the questions that shape the way I think about what matters
But I have no guarantee of my next heartbeat
And my world’s too big to make a name for myself
And what if no one wants to read about me when I’m gone?
Seems to me that right now’s the only moment that matters
You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of a moment

I get so distracted by my bigger schemes
Show me the importance of the simple things
Like a word, a seed, a thorn, a nail
And a cup of cold water
You know the number of my days
So come paint Your pictures on the canvas in my head
And come write Your wisdom on my heart
And teach me the power of a moment
The power of a moment, the power of, the power of, the power of a moment.

lo and behold!

well.
I had a fun weekend. Visited with friends, went to see Derek Webb (from Caedmon's Call) in concert at a little joint downtown... very good concert. He just came out with a new CD this week too. I think I might have to check it out...
Leo I have found out also has a hidden talent- I knew he was a monk in training, and an athletic director, but who would've guessed he's been getting pointers from the great Houdini? I put Leo in his kennel in the morning, I come home at night and he's romping around and wreaking havoc in my apartment. He's a little escape artist. Well... I hope I fixed this... had to find some extra locks. We'll have to see exactly how good he is at this escape business... ;)
other fun news: I'm driving to Annapolis Thursday night. so pray for my safe travel.... 8 hours is a lot. just 4 days of work... but then the holidays are practically here- hard to believe it's time for Thanksgiving! yikes...

construction

don't mind me, i'm just playing around with the blog appearance... getting tired of the same thing...

a mischevious sprite

I was walking outside this morning, and noticed this tree set off, far to the back of the wooded area, looking quite unassuming. But as I approached I was immediately struck by the beauty and marbled colors of the tree's leaves. My instant reaction was to pluck a single leaf from the tree to admire and enjoy.... and yet, as I looked, every leaf was battered, torn. No leaf was untouched by the wind and rain and cold. and yet the leaves together were so striking, I thought as though the tree were a mischevious sprite, laughing at my admiration and questioning thoughts, glorying in its beauty often unnoticed and achieved by imperfection. It is kind of spooky how many things that seem so ordinary can end up becoming a turning point or a point of reflection later on. A tree perhaps unnoticed every other day suddenly, for no reason, catches my eye and causes me to stop and look and question and wonder.

thursdays are nice days I've decided.